Are You Hated, Ignored or Loved? (I Guarantee You're Thinking of the Wrong Answer)
Life isn't as simple as you think (and that's a good thing).
A close friend told me something at book club the other day.
Alright, it was just a friend at the coffee shop. OK, it was an old workmate via text. Fine, it was a random Facebook quote I read on the toilet (QUIT BEATING THE TRUTH OUT OF ME).
It said no matter what you do:
30% of people will HATE it
30% of people will IGNORE it
30% of people will LOVE it
This sounds reasonable, but I can’t help worrying about the missing 10%. What are THEY thinking? Are they in my apartment, hiding under my bed, stealing my unmentionables while I sleep?
It keeps me up at night, that’s for sure.
If you’re worried about what other people think — whether you’re concerned with hate or indifference — join me as I break down three life decisions (with a delicious research-backed takeaway for you to nibble on).
By the end of this read, you’ll feel a sense of freedom usually reserved for exhibitionists and prison escapees.
Onwards, dear friend!
Decision #1: Grew a moustache = Hated
Listen, moustaches aren’t for everyone.
Kids, for example. They shouldn’t have moustaches.
If a 5-year-old with a full nose warmer is at your son’s childcare, you need to alert the authorities because that might be a pervert in disguise.
They’ll tell you all sorts of lies when you tackle them into a tree, like “I’m not a pervert, I’m here to pick up my son,” but that’s the oldest trick in the pervert book. Not that I’d read that book. But I have it on good authority that’s the oldest trick in it.
Of course, there are other side effects of the ol’ soup strainer. Throw on a plaid shirt, and you’ll be mistaken for a lumberjack and asked to cut down so many trees that you’ll never have time to yourself. It’s an inefficient lifestyle. Do you know how hard it is to get sap off your hands? It’s chaos.
Then again, a moustache might help you get noticed more. The other day, a woman approached me in a bar. Technically, she demanded I move so she could take a selfie with her friends, but she still approached me to say it.
Then there’s moustache care. Applying wax is a nightmare.
You have to put wax on an applicator pad
Apply one section at a time while buffing off excess product
Rotate your towel frequently and get behind the wing mirrors
No, sorry. That’s waxing a car. My mistake.
Beyond any hypothetical pros and cons, I can tell you that my moustache was intensely disliked by my Mum. She rolled her eyes and said, “I didn’t know I gave birth to Freddy Mercury”. She either thinks I’m a world-class vocalist or gay (and she knows I can’t sing).
The moustache was not a hit.
OUTCOME = HATED 😡
Decision #2: Told my doctor about a (possibly) serious health concern = Ignored
I don’t want to alarm you (which is why I’m whispering as I write this), but I have Spaghetti Arm Syndrome (S.A.S).
If that sounds like a made-up medical condition… it is (you’re very perceptive).
I came up with the name (I was eating pasta at the time), but it’s the real deal.
I’ll wake up from an erotic dream about going to school without my pants and realize both of my arms are dead. I assume it’s a blood flow issue, but how could I be sleeping on BOTH of my arms at the same time?!
With limbs like giant, limp spaghetti strands, navigating Spaghetti Arm Syndrome is a waiting game.
Eventually, I feel a tingle in my fingertips and a sharp pain in my left testicle (unrelated) before movement slowly returns.
I never get Spaghetti Arm Syndrome more than once a night, and usually only once every few months. Honestly, I’d like to know if anyone else suffers from this ailment (comment below).
If you’re experiencing Spaghetti Arm Syndrome:
Should we start a support group? 🤝
Should we wear sweaters with a tiny spaghetti logo?? 🍝
Should we demand funding from a Government body for bedroom rope and pulley systems?!? 💰
I don’t have all the answers. I’m just a man. With two spaghetti arms. Trying to go back to sleep.
After I told my doctor about this, he said, “Let’s keep an eye on it.”
That sounds supportive, but he said it with my Dad’s tone when I would ask for a McDonald’s ice cream on the way home from soccer practice. He’d say, “Let’s wait until we’re closer to home” then floor it as we sped past McDonald’s.
Despite my concerns, Spaghetti Army Syndrome was disregarded.
OUTCOME = IGNORED 😐
Decision #3: Bought a dog = Loved
I know there have been rumours, mistruths and conjectures so I’ll come out and say it.
YES, there is a LOT of butt sniffing, humping things and licking people’s faces going on at my place… and then I got a dog.
If you’ll allow me to be serious for a second, the real reason I got a pet is so I could experience the joy only an owner understands when his dog joins the local high school basketball team and wins the State championship.
Then, it’ll be off to the Mystery Machine to solve crimes and eat Scooby Snacks.
Also, if anyone knows how to teach a dog to fetch (a beer from the fridge), please reach out.
My mates love him. He’s a hit at the dog park. And if there’s poop in my house, I have a scapegoat no matter where it came from (WHAT I DO IN THE PRIVACY OF MY LIVING ROOM WHILE I’M DRUNK IS NO ONE’S BUSINESS BUT MY OWN).
Getting a dog was a win across the board.
OUTCOME = LOVED 🥰
Was the Facebook quote right? Maybe you can’t please everyone all the time…
Looking at my three life choices, I wondered if the Facebook quote was right. So I went and found the rest of it, which said:
No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter who your audience is: 30% will love it, 30% will hate it, and 30% won’t care. Stick with the people who love you and don’t spend a single second on the rest.
- Choose Yourself by James Altucher
James Altucher has sold hundreds of thousands of books and his last name contains 80% of all available vowels. I’m not disputing the concept. He’s right in that everything you do will be scrutinized and judged.
But it’s too simplistic to suggest that you should focus on the 30% of people who love what you do and ignore the rest—that’s just not how your brain is wired.
Most aspects of personal development are multifaceted and complex. When you base your emotional well-being around simplistic logic like this, you set yourself up for failure.
It’s totally normal to want approval from others because the desire to belong is a fundamental human need.
Research has shown that some people paradoxically prefer to be with a group of strangers than alone. And when the need for connection is threatened by potential exclusion, your brain experiences a severely negative psychological and physical outcome.
That’s why I’m not suggesting you quit listening to what others say. That advice is short-sighted and only leaves you feeling like a failure when you inevitably DO care what others have to say.
I’m reminding you that someone else’s opinions are out of your control. And when you get stuck in overly simple ways of seeing the world—like “who loves me, who is ignoring me, and who hates me?”—you can develop an exhaustive attempt to interpret what others are thinking to try and tip the scales towards being liked.
37-Second Takeaway: Everyone will hate, ignore and love you
When I look back on my three life choices, there’s more nuance than I first thought.
My mum hated my moustache… but my mates loved it and I got a ‘Heart’ emoji on an IG story from a girl I went on a date with once (so you could say it’s getting serious).
My doctor ignored my Spaghetti Arm Syndrome… but only because he actively listened, leaned on his expertise, and decided it wasn’t something to stress over.
My dog was a hit and brings endless joy… but his barking sometimes annoys the neighbours, my nephew is afraid of him and I’ve spent thousands of dollars (and counting) on the little fart machine.
The truth is that no decision results in a black-or-white outcome.
You’ll be hated, ignored and loved in everything you do. Not at the same time and not in the same quantities. But there’s freedom in knowing you haven’t made an objectively bad decision - just one that doesn’t align with someone else’s worldview.
That’s why there’s no “AH HA” moment here to help you stop people from applying their own commentary on your life.
But you can remind yourself that other thoughts and opinions are NOT a narration. They’re from someone watching your life with the sound off and adding their own subtitles. They turned on the film halfway, made assumptions about the plot, and passed judgment because your life wasn’t the movie they wanted to watch.
It’s OK to worry about who hates, ignores, and loves you—that’s human. But don’t let worry about external opinions consume you. Don’t let it stop you from doing what you want. And don’t let anyone distract you from living the awesome film that is your life.
I’ve got my popcorn ready.
I can’t wait to see what happens next.
With love,
New World Porter
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, leave a like or comment with the button below (takes 0.46 seconds) so I can think terribly filthy thoughts about you.
Honestly, the relief you feel when you can finally put a name to the disease. I too am a member of the Spaghetti Arm Syndrome club. Wow, that feels good.
Also, my (let’s not call him an idiot but he sure does have horrific taste in television) partner was watching America’s Got Talent (does it though?) today and there was a man on there with cerebral palsy and can’t speak, who’d taught his dog to fetch beer. I don’t mean to shame you, but you’ve got four working limbs and a voice, get on that. If it takes you more than a week, I’ma confiscate that dog (NOT because I want it because it’s too cute and OMG, obviously).
Even though we can’t be friends (July 6th if you’re looking to regift a Birkin bag), I will keep reading because I like your mother.