A Cancer Survivor's 5 Unspoken Rules For a Binge-Worthy Life
Here's how you live a life that's worth watching from start to finish.
It is very difficult to talk about the unspoken rules of life.
The moment I speak about them, they cease to be unspoken. It’s the type of philosophical riddle that can send you mad if you’re not careful (and I’m not).
But you don’t beat cancer without learning a thing or five. So get into my white, window-less van — there’s a bowl of candy inside — and I’ll take you where you need to go.
One day, you’ll look back on everything you’ve done and everything you are. It’s my goal to ensure this reflective experience is one you want to rewatch, moment by moment.
Next stop, a binge-worthy life. ✨
#1 - If It’s Not Illegal or Immoral, Do It
Ah, your mother warned you about people like me.
I’m the one chanting, “Do It. Do It. Do It” while you stand on the edge of a bridge and debate whether to perform an Olympic-level reverse pike with two and a half somersaults or go home and have a hot chocolate.
Even if you’re not looking to soar from a bridge like a washing machine tumbling out of a helicopter, there are things you want to do, but you’re holding back because of whatever excuse you’re telling yourself.
From experience, it’s those moments you’ll wish you could do over if you ever find yourself stuck in a hospital bed, looking back at your life (trust me, I know). When you’re facing the final bell, the unanswered '“What ifs?” sting the most.
I’m not suggesting you plan a bank heist or seduce your neighbour’s olive-skinned 18-year-old pool boy (stay away from Rolando).
But if a desire in your heart cries out to be realized, go and do it.
It’s painfully easy to feel trapped by expectations, whether society’s, other people’s or your own. Freeing yourself from these cages isn’t easy, but realizing you hold the key is the most critical step.
I promise you; there will come a day when you look back on your life and see it was everything you were afraid to do that was the sh*t that meant the most.
Book the last-minute trip.
Join the salsa class even though you have two left feet.
Get a tattoo of my name on your butt cheek.
If it’s not immoral or illegal, do it.
Your future self will thank you.
#2 - You’re Not In Control (And That’s OK)
I asked my doctor if anyone could have predicted my leukemia. He said it was cosmic randomness that had nothing to do with my diet, family history or whether I disconnected a USB before unplugging it.
That hurt… for a long time.
I struggled to understand why the universe struck me with a cancer-tipped lightning bolt. It took years of frustration and anger to realize it didn’t matter. I wasn’t in control of what happened then — or now — and that acceptance lifted a giant weight.
It’s the same lack of control I have over when or in what condition my Uber Eats delivery will arrive.
I don’t live miles from civilization. I’m only ordering from McDonald’s down the road. I could walk to the restaurant in seven minutes, but if I’m not ordering food online, WHO IS GOING TO KEEP THE ECONOMY GOING?!
No, seriously.
I don’t know how the economy works. Someone, please explain it to me.
Sometimes, food arrives quickly but colder than my ex-girlfriend’s heart. I put my burger in the freezer to heat it up. The potatoes who gave their starchy lives to become french fries died for NOTHING.
Other times, I track my delivery driver as he travels to Mordor and back. He’s going down streets I didn’t know existed. It’s like he’s carrying the food on foot and has to hit his daily 10,000 steps.
No matter what I do, the speed and quality of my food delivery is out of my control. Just as whether I got cancer or not was out of my control, and an endless list of things are out of your control.
I’m not advocating aggressive nihilism. Your actions have consequences—good and bad—and you should act in a way that pushes you towards your goals.
But don’t waste that sexy mind of yours trying to control what cannot be controlled. We’re all out in the deep waters of life. Stop trying to grab the waves with your hands because it doesn’t work. Some waves are for surfing and some crash on your head.
That’s just the way life is.
Accepting some level of powerlessness is a powerful way to live.
#3 - Stop Punishing Yourself For What Happened
“Would you buy us some beer?”
That’s a simple question, but the answer depends on who asks it.
If you’re being asked by a 4-year-old with a drinking problem, say no. That little alcoholic doesn’t need the Devil’s nectar. They’ll have a tough enough time already just trying to attend AA meetings.
Can children set up their own Uber account?
I don’t have the answer and I’m not prepared to ask Google and risk being flagged by some government algorithm that tracks my searches. My adult search history has already left enough of a filthy footprint online, so the whole thing is more stressful than I need.
But if you’re asked to buy beer for a group of underage kids… that’s on you.
Fifteen years ago, I bought beers for a group of teens. They gave me $30, asked for a six-pack, and said I could keep the change. I’m not made of stone (as far as I know). It was an offer too good to refuse. I BOUGHT THOSE DAMN BEERS.
And what became of those kids?
I don’t know.
But I can’t rule anything out. The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Did they end up piloting the planes on 9/11? Have they made poor fashion choices? Did I open a doorway to a life of addiction and ruin? I just don’t know.
Thankfully, I look forward instead of back.
That doesn’t mean I absolve myself of responsibility for everything I’ve done. I’ve hurt people, let down partners, lied to loved ones, and failed as a human more times than I can count (and I can count to, like, twenty).
I use my past to shape my future. My mistakes help me be better tomorrow; I don’t let them punish me for what happened yesterday.
You probably didn’t buy beer for teens. But there are moments in your life you’re not proud of. Moments you wish you could rewind and do over. Trying to erase them is missing the point. They don’t exist to torment you but teach you. Your past is unavoidable, but punishing yourself for it is optional.
Opt out.
You’ll feel better for it.
#4 - Appreciate All The Cool Shit You Have
CONFESSION: I take snacks for granted. 😢
On Monday, my fridge is a glorious sight, but life gets busy, and I accidentally order Uber Eats five nights a week instead of cooking. I take my groceries for granted, and there’s no choice but to say goodbye when the weekend rolls around.
💔 I’m sorry, milk. Your liquid state has been replaced by weird lumps that make me throw up in my mouth a little. It’s not you, it’s me. No, sorry… it is you. You’re lumpy and disgusting and you gotta go.
💔 I’m sorry, salad. I forgot I put you in the salad crisper, and now you’ve gone a funny shade of brown that makes me hate you. I’d try to hide you in a meal, but you offend me with your existence.
💔 I’m sorry, bread. I thought I’d eat more sandwiches this week; I really did. Now, you wear a chic coat of mould like a model on the catwalks of Milan. That’s gross, bread. You’re gross.
💔 I’m sorry, bananas. That weird bruise on your skin is too much. I can’t be expected to put my mouth near it, you understand right? I’d never judge a banana by its skin. I swear I don’t see shades of yellow. But you have to go.
💔 I’m sorry, fish. You’re probably still OK to eat, but you smell extra “fishy” which I don’t like. I don’t know any foods that smell more like themselves the older they get. You’re a mystery wrapped in scales and I respect that about you. But I will not eat you.
💔 I’m sorry, leftovers. I honestly forgot you were in the back of the fridge. Awkward. How long have you been there?! Don’t answer that. I think we should see other Tupperware.
💔 I’m sorry, coconut water. You haven’t gone off. I’m not sure you can go off. I bought you because you were on special, and I wanted to try coconut water to be cool, but I changed my mind. I like regular water. You’re dead to me.
Wow.
That wasn’t easy to write. So much loss. So many calories. But the shopping list — and life — goes on.
I used to lie in my hospital bed, sending prayers to the heavens for a second shot at life. Now I’ve got it, and I make it a habit to remember that sick 20-year-old’s wishes.
I don’t have the most money. There are people with better bodies, sharper minds, and more “stuff”. But I’ve got something more valuable. Perspective isn’t just a high-scoring Scrabble word; it’s a reminder to appreciate everything I have.
You don’t need to have survived an illness to appreciate your life. Just remember that your past self dreamt about what you have now, and your future self will reflect and wish they could be back in your shoes. You might not have everything you want, but you have everything you need.
Here’s to appreciating what we have while we have it.
#5 - If It Doesn’t Fit, Don’t Force It
Pizza is good. 👍
It’s the friend who’s always there for you. The one who pumps you up before your big exam. When you need a lift, the combination of cheese, sauce and crust cradles your soul. Everyone needs a friend like pizza.
Vegemite is bad. 👎
It’s the friend who’s never there for you. The one who says, “We’ve got no chance of passing this exam”. When you smell Vegemite, you’re feeling the rough hand of Satan tickle your scrotum (or equivalent). No one needs a friend like Vegemite.
Yet marketing gurus and mad scientists put these foods together in an unholy union so vile I’ve started a petition to launch the Earth into the sun.
If you like the sound of this culinary car crash, you legally have to sign up for a ‘Watch List’ so the rest of us know what town you’re living in.
The point is that some things just don’t work.
FYI: That’s not an excuse to give up. You, more than anyone else, control your destiny, and if you want to do something, you’re shockingly capable, given enough time and belief.
But some things just aren’t meant to be.
You can’t force someone to hire you, to love you, to see how amazing you are. The important thing is that YOU see it. That you see what an asset you’ll be as an employee, what a partner you’ll be to the right person, and how amazing you are.
When you see those things by embodying them, others will, too. Maybe not right now, maybe not when you want, but they will.
If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.
When you let life come to you, well, it’s a damn beautiful thing.
10-Second Takeaway
If you think I can’t wrap things up in 10 seconds, we’ve never slept together.
I like the idea that you get to rewatch your entire life after it’s over. There’s a comfy couch, infinite popcorn, and a box set titled “You.”
Whether you take inspiration from my rules or make your own, you have the power to live a binge-worthy life worth watching — and that’s pretty damn exciting.
Here’s to your next unmissable episode. ❤️
With love,
New World Porter
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, leave a like or comment with the button below (takes 0.46 seconds) so I can think terribly filthy thoughts about you.
I'm getting in the van. There better be candy.
Don't worry, Alex. Your long-deceased food will forgive you.
And, you absolutely don't need to be forgiven--at all!--for the very wise advice given out by you, our resident guru. :)