My Mum Told Me I Was a Loser For My 16th Birthday (I'm Glad She Did)
A short story about people falling over, self-pleasure & resilience.
“Happy 16th Birthday!!!”
When you hear your Mum say these celebratory words, you know you’re in for a damn good day. Unless your mother is dead, then her reanimated corpse is about to make your day terrifying beyond measure.
But if your Mum is alive and kicking, a teenage birthday is a chance to spread the wings of independence.
For me, the socially inept chicklet that I was, my 16th birthday was a year closer to flying the nest.
Would I be given new freedoms? Would my parents look at me with the respect of an equal? Or would my gift be something tangible like a car?!
❌ WRONG ❌WRONG ❌WRONG.
Instead, Mum gifted me a book titled ‘How to Give Relaxing Self-Massages’. Yep—a book on how to give yourself massages.
Given the subject matter, I wonder when the publishers ditched what I assume was the original title of, ‘How to Continue Being a Loser’.
Side Note: A book is a tricky gift to get right at the best of times. A few hundred pages are cool, but I can read the entire collection of human knowledge on my phone.
It’s not a fair fight.
That said, I still don’t devote time to personal education. Despite my smartphone’s direct access to humanity’s accomplishments, I spend dozens of hours a month watching people fall over on YouTube.
HE FELL AND HIS SHOES CAME OFF!!! 😂
More importantly (and far more distressingly), this book centred on a form of self-pleasure, which brought up its own (t)horny issues.
ONE: As a 16-year-old, I was already a master at self-pleasure.
TWO: It implied I should start caring for myself ASAP because no one else would.
There’s room to feel a certain way about a present like that, but my Mum isn’t a monster, and she attached a card that I hoped might salvage the entire gift.
It read:
To my Zander. Enjoy. Love Mum x
Enjoy?! Yeah, I’m the one getting the massage. I can see how that’s enjoyable. BUT I’M ALSO THE ONE GIVING THE MASSAGE. That’s not relaxing. That’s work. She sent me to work on my 16th birthday.
Frustratingly, sixteen is just outside illegal child labour laws, so I couldn’t have her thrown in prison. Instead, I retreated to my bedroom and sipped on a potent cocktail of angst, frustration and bubbling testosterone.
Honestly, I’d have been furious for longer, but chapter three of my new book had a muscle-melting self-massage technique to remove the tension knots in my shoulders, so that was a real stroke of luck.
Oddly enough, it wasn’t my worst gift ever. Three years later, I’d be diagnosed with leukemia a week before Christmas, which makes me think I must have been a right c*nt that year for Santa to leave blood cancer in my stocking.
I know fossil fuels are on the nose, but I’d have risked being pelted with tomatoes by ‘Just Stop Oil’ protesters if it meant getting some coal instead.
Hey, who left this research-based knowledge lying around?
Bad times are bad (I demand my Pulitzer). But there’s a cool study that shows up to 83% of trauma survivors experience positive psychological growth from their difficulties.
As someone constantly searching for the silver lining, there’s a sense of freedom in those numbers.
Sometimes referred to as the ‘Phoenix Phenomenon’, research suggests that a painful or difficult transition in life can lead to a deeper sense of self or purpose and a greater appreciation for life and loved ones.
The best bit is that you don’t need to be diagnosed with cancer or have your Mum imply you’re a loser to qualify for growth. Your challenges are valid whether you’re struggling at work, home, or any other area of your life.
Whatever those challenges, hard times can strengthen you. It might not feel like it right now, but the obstacles that shatter your sense of self leave you with more pieces than before.
It takes time, but picking up those pieces and putting them back together can leave you better equipped to fight against the current of adversity.
Like a chronic masturbator developing callouses along their fingers and palm (or possibly a much less crude visual if you know of any), resilience is an adaptive process.
That’s not to say you can’t be hurt, saddened, or devastated when you face grief, loss or trauma. Growth occurs parallel to these emotions, not in place of them.
But you are presented with the opportunity to redefine yourself through shitty times.
Suffering sucks (that’s a good name for a band, someone write that down).
But suffering is the doorway to meaning. It’s no coincidence that people from some of the poorest countries in the world report the most meaning despite their difficulties.
It’s also OK to admit that you would reject tough times if you could. We all would. Trust me, I’d return my leukemia in a heartbeat (sadly, it didn’t come with a refund option).
You might not have requested a paddle-free canoe and a map to Shit Creek. But you can take solace in knowing your suffering can be the catalyst for new meaning and purpose if you’re willing to let it.
Use this ONE word to build your resilience…
I hope you haven’t eaten in the last 30 minutes because you’re swimming in theory.
On a practical level, you only need ONE word to start building your resilience:
“And”.
After you experience heartbreak, loss, or being picked last in dodgeball, try reframing your situation and reclaiming control by adding “and” to every situation.
“I’m devastated about my health challenges… and I see the kindness in others”
“I’m in shock at what’s happened to my partner… and I can reach out for support”
“I’m struggling to find joy in my life… and I’m able to get out of bed each morning”
“I’m upset at the book I got for my 16th birthday… and I’m lucky to have parents who love me”
Try this simple mental exercise, and you’ll see a pattern of meeting and overcoming mountains. You’re not diminishing the struggle; you’re acknowledging the success.
None of us are born perfectly resilient. Have you seen babies? They cry at everything.
But through the adaptive process of experiencing and recovering from tough times, you can find resiliency through adversity and enjoy a happier, more meaningful life.
In the words of author C.S. Lewis:
“God whispers to us in our pleasures… but shouts in our pains. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world".”
Damn, that’s a pretty good line. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on getting a book for my 16th birthday after all.
With Love,
New World Porter
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, leave a like or comment with the button below (takes 0.46 seconds) so I can think terribly filthy thoughts about you.
Babies do cry at everything!
you've actually gotten me to start using substack on a regular basis. great piece