Take This Scarily Accurate Personality Quiz to Find Out If You're a Good Person or Trash On Legs
DISCLAIMER: Quiz is scarily inaccurate. Do not trust results of quiz.
Are you a good person or worse than Hitler?
Like millions of people, you struggle to answer this question.
The following quiz will tell you, with certainty*, what type of person you are.
*Certainty is not certain.
#1: When Jumping Into a Swimming Pool, What Do You Do?
A). Enter the water like an Olympic diver, hands first
B). Hold your nose so water doesn’t shoot into your brain
CORRECT ANSWER: A.
People who hold their noses when entering a body of water are not to be associated with — they’re afraid of water, for God’s sake!
Zucchinis are 95% water. Are you afraid of a Zucchini?! I know I am, but only because my father was murdered by one.
If you’re a nose holder, I’ve brought this topic up at parties to cross-check the accuracy of the quiz results. The first thing nose holders say is, “We don’t want water going up our noses!”. The second thing they say is, “Who are you? You weren’t invited, get out of our party!”.
I find both of those statements offensive.
Nose-holders probably hit the snooze button four or five times, eat the last slice of pizza, and think the Big Bang Theory is funny.
As the saying goes:
“If they jump in, that’s a win. If they hold the nose, the relationship goes.”
- Anonymous
If you’re unsure about someone’s personality, watch them enter the water like a majestic sausage rolling off a table, and you’ll learn everything you need to know.
Unsure if your girlfriend is a keeper? Take her to the nearest pool and toss her in. If she holds her nose, leave her there.
Considering a new business partnership? Throw potential investors into the pool before you throw away your money.
Grandma needs a trip to the hospital because she thinks she broke her hip? You spear ‘Grammy’ into the deep end of the local swimming pool before you break your weekend plans for a trip to the ER.
#2: When Jumping Into The Shower, What Time Is It?
A). Morning
B). Night
(Here is a video of me in an outdoor shower wearing Budgy Smugglers to prove I shower at least once a week)
CORRECT ANSWER: B.
If you shower at night, you are a normal human who cleans themselves after a long day, probably working a good, honest job.
Maybe you worked a double shift at the local sewerage farm. Naturally, you’d want to hit the pillow free of faeces. You and people like you who shower at night have their lives together and are to be admired.
But there are… others. 😨
If you shower in the morning, you are a deviant of some sort. You clean yourself in anticipation of all the horrid things you’ll get up to during the day. You know that physical, emotional, and possibly spiritual filth awaits you, and you embrace it with droplets of water clinging to your sinful face.
Showering in the morning is strange.
It’s like eating dessert before dinner. Sure, it’s *technically* permitted, but there’s something unnerving and unnatural about it.
The thought of existing all day and then laying your head on the pillow without a shower is the type of thing sane people can only imagine if nuclear war brings Earth’s population to a handful of survivors.
If there isn’t enough water to go around and we need spare H2O to clean the sharp sticks we use as weapons to fight zombies, then, and ONLY THEN, would a sane person skip a night shower.
That doesn’t mean people who have morning showers are bad by default — you just don’t want them anywhere near you, your family, or within 1,000 miles of your property.
#3: When Jumping Into a Wormhole to 1492, How Confident Are You of Survival?
A). Very, I will survive and thrive
B). Not very, I will suffer and die
CORRECT ANSWER: B
If you think you could use your modern knowledge and skills to survive in the year 1492, think again.
The speed at which you would be burned at the stake would surprise you.
How do you think these medieval folk, happily slogging through pig filth and desperately scrabbling for potatoes in the dirt, would react to your fancy pair of Adidas shoes?
“These have exceptional arch support!” you scream to the enraged mob.
“I bought these online during a Black Thursday cyber sale”.
Medieval peasants won’t be swayed by smooth leather exteriors or a bouncy, rubber sole that feels like walking on a cloud.
You’d seem like a witch.
These pig farmers and muckrakers don’t have time to browse the internet and look for sweet deals on shoes. They’d have to wait a further 491 years for the internet to be invented!
And you think they’d start by browsing for shoes?! Unlikely. They’d look for potato recipes. Cures for the Black Death. And spoilers for House Of The Dragon, Season 2.
You could try to outrun them, and with your flashy kicks, you might escape into a nearby section of the woods.
But what then?! You don’t have any skills.
Can you build a four-story condo with beachside views and a shared space for entertaining? Not likely. You’d never be able to secure the materials, let alone the permits. You were foolish to bring your blueprint plans back in time with you, and I think you know it.
Now, march back to town and apologize for scaring everyone by tumbling back to 2024 like a rolled-up ball of socks in the dryer.
YOUR QUIZ RESULTS: You Are a Great Person
Congratulations!
Whatever your answers, you’re a winner. 🏆
The truth is, I have nothing against nose holders. I don’t hate morning showers. And I think you’re capable of going back in time and becoming royalty (or, at worst, a well-paid court jester).
You wouldn’t let a stoopid quiz tell you who you are or make you feel like you’re not awesome… so make sure you’re not doing it to yourself.
Unhappiness has been rising for the last decade and is now at a record high. 73% of people wish they could change their appearance. And a staggering 85% of people worldwide have low self-esteem.
If you don’t feel amazing right now — whether in yourself, your relationship, or your career — this is a reminder to go easy on yourself.
There are plenty of practical tips online to ensure you’re showing yourself kindness.
Sleep more. Write in a journal. Set boundaries. Stop seeking approval from others. Stumble across a lamp-bound genie and change your life with wishes.
But this isn’t one of “those” articles.
This is your daily reminder that you’ve overcome so much sh*t to get where you are, and negative emotions are actually positive guidance, like your car’s GPS telling you what to avoid on your journey to where you want to go.
Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean you are bad.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Ya know what? I have been a little self-critical lately”, I’ll leave you with this…
Imagine a $100 bill (which is $99.17 more than this post is worth). Even when it’s crumpled, compressed and crushed, it’s still worth $100. The same goes for you. It’s OK if you don’t feel crisp right now; you’re still worth the same.
Don’t let individual losses mess with your head. Use each day to slowly work towards being the partner, parent, friend or employee you want to be. Build an undeniable portfolio of proof that tells you who you are.
You don’t need a quiz to tell you — you already know what you’re worth.
I’m excited to see everyone else realize it, too.
With love,
New World Porter
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, leave a like or comment with the button below (takes 0.46 seconds) so I can think terribly filthy thoughts about you.
Showering in the morning for me is akin to donning armor against the slings and arrows outrageous daily life can hurl at me - and you can see through it! (The Templars should’ve tried it - they might’ve fared better against the French king 😏)
Woohoo. I'm a great person!