4 Things To Kill With Fire and Leave in 2024

I'll bring the flamethrower, you bring something to burn.

Some things are not meant to be.

I’ve tried and failed to learn guitar seven times. I guess it’s not in the stars for me.

Although, it’s not because I’m too lazy to stick to guitar lessons. It’s because music has become too commercial, man, and I won’t pick up an instrument until the war in Vietnam is over.

I know, I know — people keep telling me the war ended in 1975, but I went to Vietnam, and they charged me over $4 for a Bánh mì, and if that’s not a war crime, I don’t know what is.

With 2025 peeking around the corner like a pervert at a topless pool, it’s time for me to leave a few things behind.

If you’re also quitting these things, you should expect a cute note wrapped around a brick and hurled through your bedroom window at 2am. I’m an old-school romantic like that and I WILL NOT apologise for it.

Agree? Disagree? Wish I’d thrown a brick through someone else’s window instead?

Meet me in the comments.

#1 - Stop Worshipping at the Altar Of Work

LinkedIn is a depressing place full of sludge masquerading as inspirational content.

“I’m a CEO whose son died in a house fire… I learned a valuable lesson about team-building from the first responders.”

That’s not real (as far as I know, I haven’t read every LinkedIn post), but you know the type. Any life event is twisted to become a life-changing lesson — no matter how relevant or fictitious.

This year, a post went viral depicting the co-founder of a start-up working on his laptop… at his wedding.

The post showed the back of a suit-wearing man typing away while his guests danced. Without context, he could be one of those modern DJs who perform by pressing ‘play’ on a MacBook covered in band stickers.

At least he seems agile with his hands; there’s hope for his bride.

With context, he’s Casey Mackrell, co-founder of AI company Thoughtly, helping a client launch within a strict two-week window.

There will be those among us who find this display of professional pride inspirational. They will admire the flexible blurring between work and personal life. They will say this unwavering commitment is how you run a six-, seven- or eight-figure company.

To those people, I say… get away from me, weirdo.

Life is too short to replace meaningful moments with work. I’m not saying that as a leukemia survivor with a radically shifted post-cancer perspective. I say it as a human who doesn’t yearn for AI to become sentient enough to make us one with the holy laptop.

Before you accuse me of being a communist, I’m not suggesting we quit our jobs and form a commune where we grow vegetables, smoke weed, have orgies, and plot to overthrow the Government.

I’m also not NOT suggesting it.

Your relationship with work is deeply personal — this isn’t an attempt to sway your worldview. It’s a reminder that you can set ambitious goals and still stop and smell the roses (or the wedding canapes).

Again, I’m not suggesting you sneak into your boss’ office and take a dump in his top desk drawer. That will send you straight to HR (and, shortly after, to a mental hospital).

But if you see me working at my wedding, please kill me. There’s nothing wrong with a life directed or even defined by work. But when it becomes consumed by work, you’ve gone too far.

Also, I’m already married. So, if I’m working at my own wedding, a swift death is preferable to explaining to my wife why I’m getting married again.

Working to the bone is out in 2025, and working to facilitate a meaningful and enjoyable life is in.

#2 - Stop Buying Unnecessarily Expensive Shit

Mental balance is a good way to describe my life.

As in, “It’s mental how low my bank balance is”.

Life is expensive. I have a mouth to feed (my own). I can’t keep making silly financial mistakes like not buying affordable property in 2000 when I was 12 or tossing coins in wishing wells.

The other day, I wished to be richer and that wish did not come true. Now that I think about it, tossing $0.10 cents into the well made me poorer than when I started!!! What type of wish fulfilment is that?!

That’s like wishing to heal a broken arm and the genie from Aladdin comes and snaps the other one while singing a catchy song about friendship or being yourself.

As this year comes to a close, I’m done spending more than I need to.

Example: I’m done with toothpaste. Wait, that came out wrong…

I’ll still use toothpaste. I’m not out here rubbing dirt on my gums. But I’m no longer buying expensive toothpaste. If I can get toothpaste for a few bucks, why would I pay twice, three times, or four times for the same product?

All toothpaste with fluoride helps strengthen enamel and prevent decay. Just because a brand claims its product is EXTRA good at doing these things doesn’t mean the cheaper options are no good — and I’m not alone here.

One study compared 17 popular kinds of toothpaste ranging in price. And do ya know what they discovered? Yep, most had the same ingredients and did the same job.

This message has skewed towards dentists, but the wider message still works.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of keeping up with others. I’m not inviting you to trade all your clothes for rags. Even then, someone will have nicer rags than you and you’ll end up in the same state of mental discomfort.

Instead, let’s remain committed to achieveing the things we want in 2025 but get comfortable with what we have.

Success and happiness aren’t a ladder — they’re a circle. Bring things into your orbit that make you feel good, your happiness will compound, and you’ll have a life that others wish they had even if they’re out there buying the most expensive toothpaste while we’re rubbing dirt on our gums.

#3 - Stop Asking Me To Share Appetisers With The Table

Look, I’m not above slipping you a few chips or offering a single strand of spaghetti — Lady and the Tramp style — but there’s been a slow push towards “Let’s order appetisers for dinner” and I’m not feeling it.

I arrived knowing what I want to eat: chicken nuggets from the kid’s menu. When that request is rejected because I missed the cut-off age by a mere 24 years, I will order an adult meal for myself.

I know what you’re thinking.

“Alexander, what about Tapas?”.

Look, in theory, that’s a great idea, sort of like communism*. In reality, it quickly falls apart, like communism. Your large-handed friend scoops up four out of the ten marinated Spanish-style olives and becomes dictator of the table. He’s Fidel Castro, and the rest of us are scrounging around for what’s left.

Those shoestring fries you ordered for the group? Your salt-loving friend has gone in with two hands and used 50% of the dipping sauce in one swoop.

Suddenly, it’s a race to the bottom. You don’t want to be left out, so you give yourself sliiighly more creamy mashed potato with rosemary, which triggers a mad rush for the chorizo and roasted red pepper sliders.

Instead of everyone enjoying the full meal they ordered, dinner is a tense stand-off in which everyone tries to be extremely polite and possessive simultaneously.

If you’d given me the kid’s chicken nuggets, we wouldn’t have this problem. Now we’re stuck in the culinary experience of a hand job. Sure, it feels good, but there’s something underwhelming about the whole thing because you know there was a better way to reach the meal’s climax, so to speak.

But people still do it (share food, not hand jobs). They go out together, order seven appetisers, and feel slighted when food distribution isn’t handled with surgical precision.

Not me.

In 2025, I’ll be the one trying to pass myself off as a 9-year-old so I can get those sweet, sweet chicken nuggets. That’s how you enjoy a meal like an adult.

*This is the second time he’s mentioned communism in this Substack. Someone please call the FBI.

Appetiser dictator

#4 - Stop Being In Such a Damn Hurry All The Time

I was a bartender for nine years. During this time I was asked for many things.

Sometimes people would ask for drinks. Sometimes managers would ask me to get off my phone. I certainly asked myself what the fuck I was doing with my life as I swept up vomit at 4am on a Saturday night.

On rare occasions, I would be asked for a number… Not a phone number of course, just how much the bill was. Still counts though and anyone who says otherwise is a hater.

At one bar, we planned to hold a ‘Burger Eating Competition’ on Thursdays at 5pm. You had 20 minutes and if you beat the record, you ate for free. If you lost, you paid the full bill.

On the first night of the competition, a guy signed up and asked if there were any rules. As long as no one realized I was secretly eating the cherries we were meant to put in cocktails I didn’t care what went on, so I told him he could do whatever he wanted.

*Diiiing* *Diiing*

With a ringing bell, the competitors launched into their burgers, frantically chewing and having a laugh. You could tell everyone was having fun… Except for that one guy.

He removed each burger bun and dipped them in water before swallowing them whole. While he was sucking down buns like an Only Fans model on her first day creating content, his hands were smashing the burger patties to pieces to help him pre-chew his food so he could swallow it faster.

He wasn’t eating burgers, he was inhaling them. He wasn’t having fun, he was on a mission. By the time the competition ended he’d set a record so high we had to cancel all future dates. We never held another round.

That’s your life advice right there…

As 2024 ends, don’t be in so much of a rush to get somewhere, that you remove all the joy out of the trip.

You want to graduate school, you want to get the dream job, you want to win whatever race you’re in — I get it. There are moments when focus and discipline are the ingredients for a life by design. But if you’re not careful, you’ll rush towards the finish line so quickly that you miss out on all the good stuff along the way.

Whatever you do in 2025, make sure you eat the burger and savor every single bite.

13 Second Summary

Here are some answers to common FAQs you may have after reading this:

• Yes, it’s not even Christmas and this is more about New Years

• No, I haven’t found a way to stop the dirt from inflaming my gums

• Maybe, I’ll throw another brick through your window as thanks for reading this (I haven’t decided yet but sit away from the window at 2am just in case)

With love,

New World Porter

P.S. If you enjoyed this post, please leave a Like or Comment with the button below (takes 0.46 seconds) so I can think terribly filthy thoughts about you.👇