32 Comments
User's avatar
Sara's avatar

What if I told you I was that CEO’s son but I didn’t die in a house fire - I came back and shat on his desk because he was always working and writing cringe LinkedIn posts?

Also, I’m glad I found you. You’re very funny. 😁

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

You crapping on your father's desk has taught me a valuable lesson about perseverance - I need to write about it on LinkedIn.

And thank you!!!

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Sara's avatar

🤣🤣 well I’m glad my elaborate scheme to pose as a boy and fake my own death was not for nothing

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Veronica's avatar

4 Things to do in 2025:

1. Buy a two-pack of toothpaste to save money.

2. Present yourself as a 36-year-old and ask for the chicken nuggets, anyway. They're not just for kids!

3. Enjoy Christmas FIRST before New Year's.

4. And, STOP looking through other people's windows at 2:00 in the morning!

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

You're right, we all deserve access to the kid's menu!!!

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Ororo Munroe's avatar

#2 - Stop Buying Unnecessarily Expensive Shit - I'm actually going to be writing a post about this when I come off hiatus next month because. Yeah. The Buyer's Remorse fo' real. Also, I feel the same way about appetizers for dinner. It's a no-no for me. Gimme those damn nuggets.

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Nuggets for evaaaaaaa <3

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Jack Jackson's avatar

When I read the CEO quote, I swore out loud and looked away from the screen. I tend to do that when confronted with things I feel reach a sub-human level. Great piece about things to aspire to.

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Those bloody CEOs in their ivory towers. We're scrabbling in the dirt Jack, and there's nowhere I'd rather be with you!

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Melissa Ryan's avatar

I’m always cracking up with your writing😂😂 great work💪💪

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Then my work here is done, haha.

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Crimpus's avatar

If I know anything about how good you probably look in a suit I know at your wedding you would have been putting in WERK

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

You better WERK bitch.

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Chris Stanton's avatar

I was with you on #1 and #2, and then I saw #3—“Stop Asking Me To Share Appetisers With The Table“—and I became positively giddy. God, yes. To that and to all of it.

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Next year, we eat together but we eat alone! ✊

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Chris Stanton's avatar

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Mary's avatar

If I were the bride in that story, the minute my groom brought out his laptop I’d brain him with it. Your life must be more important than work.

And generic almost anything works just as well as the expensive stuff.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

I'd enjoy going to a wedding to see you do that! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year right back, Mary :)

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Lessly Field's avatar

With you on Banh mi sticker shock -I inhaled 75 cent Banh mis is college. They were cheap and delicious. I ordered a $7 Banh mi a few months ago and it was neither cheap nor del. Dang!! Let me know if you need me to mail you some floss🙂

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Those sweet glory days of affordable Banh Mi.... gone too soon. I'll keep an eye out for that floss, haha.

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⚡Thalia The Comedy Muse⚡'s avatar

These autonomous fire-shooting robo dogs only cost $10k

https://www.thaliascomedy.com/p/prepare-for-your-affordable-robo

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

I know what I'm getting for Christmas!

(It's not a fire robot dog, sadly. My parents will get me underwear)

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Allison Taylor Conway's avatar

LOLOLOL finally SOME REAL shit to get excited about for 2025. You're a treasure!

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Haha, right back at you, Allison! Here's to leaving dumb stuff in 2024 (but also enjoying Christmas before we think about New Years)

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Allison Taylor Conway's avatar

Wait when’s Thanksgiving 😂

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

In Australia, never! 😂

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Allison Taylor Conway's avatar

🥹♥️♥️♥️

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Allison Taylor Conway's avatar

Oh that’s right no wonder I’m so mixed up!! 🙈 Cheers to Christmas before New Years, tho for real. And thank you so much for making me laugh, Alexander!! Your writing is just beautiful in all the ways. 😁

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

That is so bloody nice of you to say!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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Paulo Yarisantos's avatar

Its not uncommon.

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Alexander J. Porter's avatar

Which part? Rubbing dirt on your gums? I KNEW IT.

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Paulo Yarisantos's avatar

x365 days yes. most cases.

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