5 Common Pieces Of "Life Advice" Only Idiots Follow (Upgrades Inside +)
Ready to upgrade your life?
Ah, you’ve come to visit me high in the mountains where I meditate, reflect and pee my name in the snow.
This is a sacred place, and I will share my wisdom to acknowledge the soul-crushing troubles you have endured on your long and arduous journey…
Oh? There were no troubles!? You got a direct flight and an Uber from the airport? I see. You’ve not entirely earned my wisdom, but I will share it anyway.
You’re sick of cliche life advice that reads like empty buzzwords and bumper sticker jargon. I was, too. So I found and fixed what was broken.
Please take a seat (be careful not to sit in the yellow snow).
Here are five common pieces of life advice that only idiots follow (plus reworked versions that will improve your life from top to bottom).
1️⃣ How You Do One Thing is How You Do Everything = WRONG
How you do one thing is NOT how you do everything.
You don’t need to make your bed like you’re proudly stationed in Okinawa and serving in the 1st Marine Division for success to flow across every aspect of your life.
Like a man being stabbed with a sharp knife, I get the point.
This advice suggests that habits and patterns repeat. Putting your shopping trolley away after use suggests a more structured life than loading a week’s worth of groceries into your trunk and launching your trolley off an overpass into oncoming traffic.
The problem is that this advice lacks context. It should be:
How you do one thing is how much you value one thing.
I don’t neatly tuck and fold my bed sheets. They are straight(ish), and my pillow is in the ballpark… which my dog will hump at some point during the day, even though I paid thousands of dollars to have his balls removed.
#FailedByTheMedicalSystem
What I value is my writing.
I have over 44 million views of my content online. My weekly newsletter grows by 50 to 100 subscribers a month. I make six figures as a sales copywriter by tapping the keyboard.
These successes didn’t come because I made my bed with military precision but because I applied military precision to the things that mattered to me.
I cared about my craft, and it improved. I don’t care about placing my pillow at a perfect right angle to a neatly-tucked bed cover, and that pillow is caked in dog jizz.
Take from that what you will.
✨ THE NON IDIOT'S VERSION
Don’t get hung up trying to give 100% of your effort and energy to everything — you’ll be burned out by lunch (maybe brunch). Instead, give 100% of your effort and energy to the things that matter to you and whatever is necessary for everything else.
2️⃣ You Have To Wake Up Early to Be Successful = WRONG
I had a boss who thought he was a motivational speaker.
Chances are, you know the type.
To these people, everything is a lesson— even when it's not. Sometimes, the printer is just out of ink; it doesn't have to mean anything.
One of his many lessons was encouraging us to try running as a way to ignite success. That seems like a fair request, right? Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention…
HE WANTED US TO GO RUNNING AT 5AM.
He believed we’d be at our sharpest if we started our day with vigorous exercise… before work… in the dark.
On paper, that’s a 5am start. Except, a 5am start is a 4:45am alarm. Plus, I had to find my shoes, charge my phone, find my headphones, and navigate a terrible credit score (unrelated to the pre-sunrise running; I just got caught up listing my problems).
But I tried it.
I got up, stumbled onto the street like a sleepy zombie with a poor credit score, and ran. Then, to prove our collective mental fortitude (or idiocy), we were encouraged to share photos of our early-morning runs.
This was a habit for maaaaaybe a week.
It is no longer a habit.
I don’t care if running at 5am is proven to extend the average lifespan by ten years or guarantees your ex gets diarrhea on long bus rides. Running before sunrise made me miserable.
Have you ever seen someone running at 5am who was having a good time?
No. Of course not. You’re asleep, like a normal human.
If I’m running in the dark these days, it’s only to get from the light switch to my bed before the monsters underneath can grab my ankles and drag me to Hell.
✨ THE NON IDIOT'S VERSION
Get up any time you want. Running early is a way to demonstrate consistency. That’s what matters, not the time you set your alarm. Find a consistent routine that allows you to be productive without burnout. Plug in something you’re passionate about and watch as success goes from possibility to probability.
3️⃣ You’ll Know When You Find ‘The One’ = WRONG
“The One” isn’t waiting out there for you.
Sorry.
I’m not saying you’ll end up alone, in a ditch, with your head shaved and your teeth missing. At the same time, I can’t rule that out. I don’t know who you spend your time with. I don’t know the road-to-ditch ratio near your house.
I’m saying that the idea of every human having a single “soulmate” isn’t true.
You might believe in it, but that doesn’t make it right.
It’s romantic as hell, I’ll give you that. Calling someone your soulmate and having them say it back feels like a finger in the butt from the universe.
It’s nice. And nice things feel nice. But did you know…
34.1% of Americans marry someone from the same state
28% of Americans marry someone who went to the same college
On a planet of roughly 8 billion people, it’s pretty wild that everyone found their soulmate in geometry class. Plus, there’s no 1:1 ratio of men to women, not to mention different sexualities and divorces, so some people are missing out if everyone is meant to have a perfect match.
The problem with following this well-meaning advice and seeking out a singular perfect person is that it creates the conditions for failure — not success.
If you’re looking for someone who intuitively “gets” you and fulfils every need, you’ll start ruling out people who might get close but don’t *quite* meet your criteria, leading to disappointment and disillusion.
The harder you look for “the one”, the more likely you are to rule people out and start your search over. It’s a vicious cycle.
But I’m not here to smack romance out of your hand like a deadbeat dad disciplining his son. No, no, no. I have a compromise.
I’ll take your “One” and give you “Many”.
“The Many” are a diverse group of people who align with your values, share similar goals and offer you the compassionate space to be your authentic self. You’ll have other non-negotiables, and that’s the point — your ideal match won’t fit into any mould but the one guarding the entrance to your heart.
Combining your desired qualities with your lifestyle non-negotiables (loves pizza, hates pizza, made of pizza, etc) will create a specific type of person — not a specific person. There won’t be just one of them; you’ll have possible matches that more than one other soul can fill.
When you open up the definition of your ideal partner to be a little broader, there’s less pressure to find a mythical “one” and more space to find someone suitable for you.
✨ THE NON IDIOT'S VERSION
A “soulmate” isn’t someone you find; it’s someone you make. Finding someone who makes you feel like you’ve found your soulmate is the goal, and this is 20% meeting the right person and 80% of the work you put into each other.
Don’t look to “find” someone because that implies all you have to do is turn up, do nothing and have a perfect relationship. Focus on making a soulmate by getting the foundation right and building from there.
4️⃣ Fake It Till You Make It = WRONG
We all feel like a fraud at times.
You might worry that you’re secretly shit at your job. Maybe you worry your partner will discover the “real” you. Or, you’re three small children standing on each other’s shoulders and wearing an oversized trenchcoat to sneak into an R-rated movie.
Feeling like a fraud doesn’t mean you’re failing at life — it’s a side effect of living it.
When you experience these feelings (often under the umbrella term of ‘Imposter Syndrome’), a common piece of advice is to fake it until you make it.
I’ll admit that your mind is one of your most powerful resources. Using nothing but that sexy brain of yours, you can:
Convince yourself you had a good night’s sleep even if you only caught a few scattered hours.
Lift your mood by tricking your brain into thinking it’s happy even when life is squirting lemon juice in your metaphorical eye.
Project confidence in a group of strangers and go from a nervous wallflower to a cool cucumber (or whatever vegetable you prefer).
Like all advice, the nutcream is in the nuance the devil is in the detail, because you shouldn’t fake everything.
For example…
You might use your newfound confidence to fake your way right into an operating theatre.
Thankfully, most surgeons and nurses will catch you out when you slice open your patient’s jugular while trying to remove a set of tonsils. 🔪🩸
And good luck trying to fake your way through a conversation with the local dry cleaner when you tell them your shirt is covered in tomato juice. You, he, and local law enforcement will know it’s dried blood from a recent and catastrophic botched tonsil removal surgery.
The inherent problems with this standard piece of advice are that:
a). You shouldn’t pretend to do something you can’t do (see catastrophic surgical example); doing this only increases the odds of missing out on a valuable learning moment. In the long run, this approach leaves you without the necessary tools you need.
b). It encourages you to believe previous success was achieved by “faking” it in the past. This isn’t true. You’re a highly capable, competent character who has taken action to get where you are — you didn’t fool your way through.
Fake confidence makes a fake you. Worse, it leaves you open to missing out on valuable personal and professional growth moments.
✨ THE NON IDIOT'S VERSION
Don’t fake it until you make it. Be it when you need it.
Be willing to ask questions when you need to. Be willing to learn and take on new challenges when they arise. Be your authentic self when the situation calls for it.
If that doesn’t resonate with you, smile, stand up straight, and get into that operating theatre. Your patient’s tonsils won’t remove themselves, so close your eyes, grab a scalpel and hope for the best!
5️⃣ Find Your Passion = WRONG
Struggling with an existential crisis?
You probably haven’t found your passion. At least, that’s what idiots think.
There are two ways this life advice will make things worse, not better:
Firstly… the idea of finding your passion as a metric for a successful life immediately puts pressure on you to get it right. Similar to finding “the one” in your personal life, the need to identify your specific passions can stifle exploration and kill creativity.
Secondly… you don’t need to spend time searching for your passions because you’ve already found them.
Some people spend months or years looking for their passion like it’s a mythical Pokemon to be caught. Really, it’s the most accessible source of inspiration and direction you’ll ever find.
Why?
Because you’ve spent your whole life subconsciously shaping your passions, and they’re so deeply ingrained in who you are that finding them requires nothing but a spare five minutes on a Saturday afternoon (Sunday works, too).
Grab a piece of paper, open the Notes app on your phone, or get ready to tattoo answers on your body like you’re on a remake of Prison Break.
OK, now I need you to answer three questions:
What do you like doing with your time?
What activities fill you with the most joy?
What hobbies would you pursue on a spare weekend?
Congratulations! The answer to those questions IS your passion.
You don’t spend a lifetime enjoying comic books and chatting to your friends about the MCU only to turn around and wonder if rock climbing or speed-eating hotdogs will make your soul feel warm and fuzzy.
If those were your passions, you’d have been doing them — or at least engaging in the topic somehow — for years.
If identifying your passions is important to you (and it’s OK if it isn’t), stop stressing about what you should be doing with your life and start reflecting on what you are doing.
Let’s say you love playing giant Jenga in the nude. Congrats — that’s a passion.
Now that you’ve identified this passion, focus on developing it to bring meaning into your life.
You might search for online communities that swap strategies for avoiding large, block-sized injuries to your special bits. Or, stream your games on YouTube for a watching audience. Or, write a book about your journey to naked Jenga superstardom.
Whatever direction you take with the passions you identify, value comes from developing them, not thinking your passions are something to be mined fully formed.
The more you develop your passions, the more you’ll experience a meaningful life full of joy.
✨ THE NON IDIOT'S VERSION
If you have to look for it, odds are you’re not very passionate about it.
Assess your hobbies and interests as a starting point to find your passions, but don’t feel like you have to stick with them. Accept that your passions are fluid, and you can pick up new ones as quickly as you can put down old ones. Once you have something in mind, long-term value comes from the process of developing it, not the act of finding it.
Sidenote: If anyone is on the naked giant-sized Jenga message boards, hit me up. My username is OuchThatBlockHitMyCock4597.
Congratulations! You’ve Got The Tools To Live an Upgraded Life
If you take away anything from this list (and that’s a stretch), it’s that life advice is usually shit because it’s generic.
Life advice that works is only ever the life advice that works for you.
The upgrades I’ve suggested will help add nuance and context, and that’s where you’ll find the most value.
Apply these strategies, be open to moulding them to fit your unique circumstances, and be flexible. Do that, and you’re 95% there - wherever you want to go.
As for me, I will stay on this mountain top and meditate. I have more wisdom to share but now is not the time. My name won’t pee itself into the snow, you know.
Enjoy the trek home and your new, upgraded life.
With love,
New World Porter
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, leave a like or comment with the button below (takes 0.46 seconds) so I can think terribly filthy thoughts about you.
Daily, during the six months before I graduated high school, my mother gave me daily reminders that because I didn't make my bed every day, I was too immature to embark on a gap year in Europe. She was right. I almost died of loneliness, homesickness, and because I left my entire worldly belongings on a bus to Fauske. But visions of her telling me "I told you so" if I gave up and went home, kept me overseas. In the end, my gap year lasted four decades and a week and included a basement-to-boardroom career at a global hotel company which led to speaking engagements at the UN and elsewhere.
My mom still doesn't believe I'm mature enough for anything, but she is proud of me!
I'm still stuck on the fact that your boss expected you to go run at 5AM. What the hell!