Dude, this is beautiful. Please print a copy and save it for your daughter to read when she's older, so she knows what a truly great dad you were even before she was born.
Parenthood is absolutely fucking mindblowing, I can't lie to you and pretend that it's not. That baby's arrival will turn your whole world on its head and there will be times you don't know whether you're coming or going, times you will feel like you're staring into a yawning abyss of nappies and spit up, and times you will feel so overwhelmed with love that you'll wonder how you ever dared utter the words "I love you" before she graced this earth. But it's amazing. It pulls you apart and exposes all of your different parts and, in time, it puts you back together again in a version of yourself that is so much more than it was before. The secret is you have to let it. Lean into it, don't be embarrassed to make dad jokes or to plan your life around a tiny person or to say "can't this week, the baby needs x y and z." Society expects us to carry on as normal when we have a baby and therein lies the problem, because nothing is normal anymore. It is extraordinary, and pretending that hasn't changed you is where the problems begin
So, my advice, should you choose to take it, is a) don't put your baby under a heat lamp. b) Trust your instincts - especially if they tell you to cuddle your baby alot and to answer when she cries (it's good for her brain AND for yours to be as responsive as possible, the science says so) and c) get her used to a baby carrier - you can do anything when they like the baby carrier. You might even be able to spend an entire evening on your X Box while she sleeps in there.
You're going to do great.
(Oh and, ps, it's going to be really different to the cancer in how it changes you, because cancer is a bit shit isn't it? Whereas your baby will be the best thing you've ever seen. Good changes are coming. Can't wait for this to become a dad blog so we can swap hilarious stories about our offspring.)
Congrats! “My Mum quit drinking while she carried me but opted to smoke the entire time (can’t have it all). I’m 6’2”, so it didn’t stunt my growth. Should I start smoking now to give my baby the best shot at height?” - made me laugh so hard. I think it’s not as immediate for new dads to “find their identity” in new parenthood, like for women we have so much more of an immediate, direct path. The ups and downs of pregnancy, birth, your baby and mom still being kinda connected for a time after birth. And in the mix is dad sometimes being like, okay what’s my place in all of this… I’ve only been a parent for 5 years but everyday I find new experiences, new challenges. It’s a trip and wild ride. I think moving from instinct and a sense of humor are some of the most important qualities to have! Anyway, congrats again!
You have a sense of humor. That helps tremendously with the whole parenting thing. The first time you see a smile crack that little face is magical. And that never goes away. At least it hasn’t for me (my oldest is five). Congrats!
"It never stops." - This is true as both of my parents have said this to me and my sister. Just because we're grown doesn't mean jack-shit. I will always be the youngest, she the oldest, and they will always worry. Even as the dementia takes over my Mom's mind, she worries about us. But as children. She longer comprehends that we're adults.
When you talked about grieving the "old" you, that resonated. When I was 9, I was in a car accident a month before my birthday that left me in a coma. The person taking me home was my gymnastic coach's assistant and she was killed on impact (so I was told. Much, much later in life). The only thing that saved me from the same fate was my seatbelt. When I woke up a month later, I was 10 yrs old and had to learn to do EVERYTHING over again. To this day, memories of my life before age 9 come to me in bits and spurts. And then I had another major life health issue in my early 20s (until I didn't). The idea of grieving for the girl/young adult I was from The Time Before is something that has never occurred to me. From those experiences, I became someone else and I'm curious as to how one would go about "grieving" for a past self. I guess it's different for everyone.
Wow, what an amazing story and amazing for you to have come out the other side with such a positive outlook on life. I love that, I love that for you, I just all round bloody love it. Thank you so much for sharing that!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
On a good note, after 8 years of being a parent, I can tell you this: it just keeps getting better. It’s crazy how much you get back if you take the time to put the work of parenting in. You gotta show up for it to work though. Don’t take up nicotine (I kicked a bad vape habit a couple years ago and don’t recommend combining it with the stress of parenting), but I’ll admit that every once in awhile, yeah- I’ll have a cigarette. I’m not a responsible adult or anything, after all.
I think you make a lot of sense when you equate the grief you carry about who you were before cancer and the grief you will have over who you leave behind when the baby arrives. Valid emotions which definitely need airing and exploring. I wish for you all the strength needed on this phase of life because it never ends.
The fact that you are thinking about how to be a good dad says everything!
It's quaint that you think you have any choice as to how you'll be. Don't worry: your wife and daughter will provide detailed instructions on how to live from here on out.
In my life, I feel like my main contribution to raising our kids (besides the monetary aspect) was to be a counterpoint to my wife's natural instinct to protect the kids at all times. I believe a father needs to be the one to push the kids past their comfort zone and take some risks, both physically and mentally. (But maybe wait a few month on this one.)
Happy New Year. You'll both be great parents, because you're in this together. For the times when the keel isn't even, remember you have each other. "When one falls, the other shall pick him/her up again."
Having a child, like taking on any new responsibility, life as you knew it changes, but the little things that keep the keel steady are still important. Priorities change, but the need to take care of yourself does not.
Your Dad’s a wise man. You’ll never stop being a parent and that’s what makes people great Dads. You’re posts show that you’re already well on your way to becoming one! Enjoy the ride!
You will be a natural! I just know it. How exciting for you guys. Enjoy the newborn stage ( it is hard, but they’ll never be that teeny again ) aww - you’ll love it! x
Trust me, Porter. You will live in the moment for at least the next 18 years. I’m glad I have photos because parenting is so reactionary, I wouldn’t remember a 10th of it otherwise. Your Dad is right. The worry never ends. My son is 30, just moved into a new place with little furniture and It’s all I can do to prevent myself from trying to fix that. My parents had five daughters, God bless them. I can’t image the terrors they went through and we all turned out okay. Not an arrest, an OD, or an unplanned pregnancy among us. You will be a great Dad because you have suffered and yet kept your sense of humor. I had a Dad like that. He was the best. I expect you will be, too. As for names, my parents always waited until we were born to name us. Then they’d say, she looks like a…” I always loved hearing that. It made me feel I had been part of the process.
Trust me, Porter. You will live in the moment for at least the next 18 years. I’m glad I have photos because parenting is so reactionary, I wouldn’t remember a 10th of it otherwise. Your Dad is right. The worry never ends. My son is 30, just moved into a new place with little furniture and It’s all I can do to prevent myself from trying to fix that. My parents had five daughters, God bless them. I can’t image the terrors they went through and we all turned out okay. Not an arrest or an unplanned pregnancy among us. You will be a great Dad because you have suffered and yet kept your sense of humor. I had a Dad like that.
Dude, this is beautiful. Please print a copy and save it for your daughter to read when she's older, so she knows what a truly great dad you were even before she was born.
Parenthood is absolutely fucking mindblowing, I can't lie to you and pretend that it's not. That baby's arrival will turn your whole world on its head and there will be times you don't know whether you're coming or going, times you will feel like you're staring into a yawning abyss of nappies and spit up, and times you will feel so overwhelmed with love that you'll wonder how you ever dared utter the words "I love you" before she graced this earth. But it's amazing. It pulls you apart and exposes all of your different parts and, in time, it puts you back together again in a version of yourself that is so much more than it was before. The secret is you have to let it. Lean into it, don't be embarrassed to make dad jokes or to plan your life around a tiny person or to say "can't this week, the baby needs x y and z." Society expects us to carry on as normal when we have a baby and therein lies the problem, because nothing is normal anymore. It is extraordinary, and pretending that hasn't changed you is where the problems begin
So, my advice, should you choose to take it, is a) don't put your baby under a heat lamp. b) Trust your instincts - especially if they tell you to cuddle your baby alot and to answer when she cries (it's good for her brain AND for yours to be as responsive as possible, the science says so) and c) get her used to a baby carrier - you can do anything when they like the baby carrier. You might even be able to spend an entire evening on your X Box while she sleeps in there.
You're going to do great.
(Oh and, ps, it's going to be really different to the cancer in how it changes you, because cancer is a bit shit isn't it? Whereas your baby will be the best thing you've ever seen. Good changes are coming. Can't wait for this to become a dad blog so we can swap hilarious stories about our offspring.)
Awww thanks for the kind words! Here's to the slow transition from New World Porter to New World Daughter 😊
Congrats! “My Mum quit drinking while she carried me but opted to smoke the entire time (can’t have it all). I’m 6’2”, so it didn’t stunt my growth. Should I start smoking now to give my baby the best shot at height?” - made me laugh so hard. I think it’s not as immediate for new dads to “find their identity” in new parenthood, like for women we have so much more of an immediate, direct path. The ups and downs of pregnancy, birth, your baby and mom still being kinda connected for a time after birth. And in the mix is dad sometimes being like, okay what’s my place in all of this… I’ve only been a parent for 5 years but everyday I find new experiences, new challenges. It’s a trip and wild ride. I think moving from instinct and a sense of humor are some of the most important qualities to have! Anyway, congrats again!
If you have any shortcuts or secrets from the first 5 years, please let me know haha
You have a sense of humor. That helps tremendously with the whole parenting thing. The first time you see a smile crack that little face is magical. And that never goes away. At least it hasn’t for me (my oldest is five). Congrats!
Lee, you've got me all hyped up and excited for what's ahead and I love you for it.
It’s totally wrecked my sleep schedule, my productivity, and my plans for the next 18 years. And it’s also the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
No one ever was, is, or will be.
Love the simplicity (and truth) of this.
Thank you
"It never stops." - This is true as both of my parents have said this to me and my sister. Just because we're grown doesn't mean jack-shit. I will always be the youngest, she the oldest, and they will always worry. Even as the dementia takes over my Mom's mind, she worries about us. But as children. She longer comprehends that we're adults.
When you talked about grieving the "old" you, that resonated. When I was 9, I was in a car accident a month before my birthday that left me in a coma. The person taking me home was my gymnastic coach's assistant and she was killed on impact (so I was told. Much, much later in life). The only thing that saved me from the same fate was my seatbelt. When I woke up a month later, I was 10 yrs old and had to learn to do EVERYTHING over again. To this day, memories of my life before age 9 come to me in bits and spurts. And then I had another major life health issue in my early 20s (until I didn't). The idea of grieving for the girl/young adult I was from The Time Before is something that has never occurred to me. From those experiences, I became someone else and I'm curious as to how one would go about "grieving" for a past self. I guess it's different for everyone.
Wow, what an amazing story and amazing for you to have come out the other side with such a positive outlook on life. I love that, I love that for you, I just all round bloody love it. Thank you so much for sharing that!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
On a good note, after 8 years of being a parent, I can tell you this: it just keeps getting better. It’s crazy how much you get back if you take the time to put the work of parenting in. You gotta show up for it to work though. Don’t take up nicotine (I kicked a bad vape habit a couple years ago and don’t recommend combining it with the stress of parenting), but I’ll admit that every once in awhile, yeah- I’ll have a cigarette. I’m not a responsible adult or anything, after all.
I love this Robbe, thanks heaps for sharing :) And noted on the Nicotine!
Speaking from experience, buy a baby carrier (read safety instructions), rock your child to sleep, sit on sofa and keep playing Xbox. You'll be fine!
My dreams of playing Xbox remain alive and well!!!
I think you make a lot of sense when you equate the grief you carry about who you were before cancer and the grief you will have over who you leave behind when the baby arrives. Valid emotions which definitely need airing and exploring. I wish for you all the strength needed on this phase of life because it never ends.
Thanks Bri, love your insights and kind words 😊
The fact that you are thinking about how to be a good dad says everything!
It's quaint that you think you have any choice as to how you'll be. Don't worry: your wife and daughter will provide detailed instructions on how to live from here on out.
In my life, I feel like my main contribution to raising our kids (besides the monetary aspect) was to be a counterpoint to my wife's natural instinct to protect the kids at all times. I believe a father needs to be the one to push the kids past their comfort zone and take some risks, both physically and mentally. (But maybe wait a few month on this one.)
What I'm hearing is... throw the little one in the pool ASAP and let 'em sink or swim 😊 But seriously, I appreciate this, John!
Happy New Year. You'll both be great parents, because you're in this together. For the times when the keel isn't even, remember you have each other. "When one falls, the other shall pick him/her up again."
Having a child, like taking on any new responsibility, life as you knew it changes, but the little things that keep the keel steady are still important. Priorities change, but the need to take care of yourself does not.
Brilliantly said 😊
Your Dad’s a wise man. You’ll never stop being a parent and that’s what makes people great Dads. You’re posts show that you’re already well on your way to becoming one! Enjoy the ride!
Cheers Paul, you bloody legend.
You may find yourself overwhelmed by love when you hold your daughter. Just warning you.
After that, life is messy and people are a mess.
Just try your best to show up and have ethics in your behavior with your daughter and your wife.
I suspect you know yourself, a lot of love is what you do, not what you feel.
Nobody is perfect. Allow yourself and your wife to be fallible. Learn from mistakes. You can do it.
I can't wait to experience it 😊 😊 😊
You will be a natural! I just know it. How exciting for you guys. Enjoy the newborn stage ( it is hard, but they’ll never be that teeny again ) aww - you’ll love it! x
Not long now until it's all chaos, haha.
Is she here yet?
I’ve been thinking of you guys x
:)
So excited and happy for you guys! You're gonna be a great dad! 🎉
That means a lot, Melanie. Thank you! 😊
Trust me, Porter. You will live in the moment for at least the next 18 years. I’m glad I have photos because parenting is so reactionary, I wouldn’t remember a 10th of it otherwise. Your Dad is right. The worry never ends. My son is 30, just moved into a new place with little furniture and It’s all I can do to prevent myself from trying to fix that. My parents had five daughters, God bless them. I can’t image the terrors they went through and we all turned out okay. Not an arrest, an OD, or an unplanned pregnancy among us. You will be a great Dad because you have suffered and yet kept your sense of humor. I had a Dad like that. He was the best. I expect you will be, too. As for names, my parents always waited until we were born to name us. Then they’d say, she looks like a…” I always loved hearing that. It made me feel I had been part of the process.
Love these words, Denise. Thank you for sharing your insight, it's really appreciated 😊
Trust me, Porter. You will live in the moment for at least the next 18 years. I’m glad I have photos because parenting is so reactionary, I wouldn’t remember a 10th of it otherwise. Your Dad is right. The worry never ends. My son is 30, just moved into a new place with little furniture and It’s all I can do to prevent myself from trying to fix that. My parents had five daughters, God bless them. I can’t image the terrors they went through and we all turned out okay. Not an arrest or an unplanned pregnancy among us. You will be a great Dad because you have suffered and yet kept your sense of humor. I had a Dad like that.