Bad News...You Die in 10,000 BCE (How to Make Regret Your B*tch)

Here's how to get excited for the future even if your past and present are a turd sandwich

May 14, 2024

Image Credit our future overloads ChatGPT

Leukemia was not fun.

That should be its official slogan, actually.

‘Leukemia: Now with LESS fun!’

Still, I smacked that bad boy on the bottom and sent him scurrying… somewhere. I honestly don’t know how my body works except that I go vom-vom if I have too many drink-drink.

But that was the past and plenty has changed. I’ve done a few laps around the sun—which is just an expression, obviously. Everyone knows the sun revolves around the Earth… which is also flat.

Still, despite the passage of time, my mind lingers on the past and what I could have done differently. Not just about my illness, but endless choices.

Untrodden paths call out. Missed opportunities whisper, “What if?”. There’s a siren in the distance, but my neighbour regularly burns their dinner and smoke alarms sound very similar to the chimes of fate.

If you’re like me, you’ve daydreamed about going back to undo your mistakes. Plenty of us have, with an estimated 90% of adults having deep or existential regrets about their lives.

A time machine would offer a blank canvas, but would it be that easy?

More importantly, would it be worth it?

Damn. You went too far and ended up in 10,000 BCE…

Forget this article for a moment (or, go one better and forget this newsletter exists entirely like my family has). You only have the clothes on your back, a semi-charged smartphone, and the knowledge in your head.

Here’s your chance to go back and make new choices.

Scenario One: The Warlord

You stumble across a tribe. They’re cautious, but a quick demonstration of your phone’s torch app impresses.

With technology that mimics magic, you’re promoted to God by the afternoon. Confident in you and your “powers”, they start a war.

Tribesman: “Great to have you here. We’re all very excited. Just quickly, we arranged a war with the tribe next door. Yeah. Starts in half an hour. They have an army 10x larger than ours. We’d love some more magic of yours to win.”
You: “Oooh. OK. You’ve sidestepped my wheelhouse here. I’d have loved a heads-up. I have seen a film called ‘300’ about a small army that won. I thiiiink they won. When I say “saw” I mean I watched the trailer and dressed up as a Spartan for Halloween. Try sending 300 of your best men and we should win this war by lunch”.

Result: 300 of your men are violently slaughtered. You are captured. You are hung from your genitals. You are dead that afternoon.

Scenario Two: The Scientist

You stumble across a tribe. They’re cautious of you, but a quick demonstration of your pre-loaded Snapchat filters makes them look like they have cat ears and you are promoted to God by the afternoon.

Inspired by your wisdom, they turn their attention to you.

Tribesman: “You mentioned lightbulbs and planes. How do those technologies work? The basics are fine just so we can get the ball rolling.”
You: “Ahhh. Awkward. I don’t know how lightbulbs work, just that they work. And a plane flying has something to do with air. You either need lots of it… or maybe none of it. To be honest, you’ve swerved away from my specialties.”
Tribesman: “You’re a specialist, not a generalist. It’s fine. What about disease prevention? How do we stop ourselves from dying before thirty? That’s something we’d be excited to pursue.”

Result: You lead a vaccine program. Instead of discovering a vaccine for smallpox, you create SUPER smallpox. You are dead that afternoon.

Scenario Three: The Prophet

You stumble across a tribe. They’re cautious of you, but you use your calculator app to spell ‘BOOBS’ and you are promoted to God by the afternoon.

In need of a religious foundation, they start recording your ten commandments.

Tribesman: “First day of the commandments! Exciting stuff. What is your first society-building decree?”
You: “Happy to help. I slept through my college philosophy lectures but I know what’s good. What about ‘Bros before Hoes’”?
Tribesman: “Instant classic. Quick question. What is a Bro… follow up question, what is a Hoe?”
You: “It’s an outdated reference to prioritizing male friendships, but ‘Hoes’ is kind of sexist… so maybe don’t record that one. Oh, you’ve already chiselled that commandment into stone? Shit. You can’t un-chisel that”.

Result: Your ten commandments bring society to ruins. Your name and the mad religion created around you start wars for the next 10,000 years. You aren’t dead that afternoon, but a lot of people will be.

You can’t un-chisel stone

You died in 10,000 BCE—there’s no avoiding it. But there’s something you picked up in the past that can make your future better.

You can’t un-chisel stone.

I can’t undo my experience with cancer.

I can’t wipe the countless nights in fear or the hours spent shaking in bed with chemo coursing through my veins. I can’t forget the emptiness I felt as my friends celebrated their 21st birthdays—one after another—while I lay helpless in a hospital bed, clutching a tear-stained journal, for 244 nights.

I’d love to hit reset on all of the things that sucked… but I can’t.

Right now, you’re trying to do the same.

Chances are you didn’t have cancer (and if you did, BACK OFF, crude humour and spelling errors are my niche). But I know there are moments in your life that you would give anything to do over.

To say the right thing. To make a different choice. To save who you were then from becoming who you are now.

But you can’t.

And this isn’t a nihilistic “get over it” message. Your life has been shaped by your choices and the way you feel is valid and authentic. If you got your legs ripped off by a shark, you can be annoyed when your friends want to watch a Jaws marathon for the eleventh time.

But there’s a difference between wallowing in the past and accepting it.

You’re in control of how you feel (and it’s easier than you think)

I’m not suggesting you feel better by slamming tequila shots until your memories turn to pure alcohol.

It’s a weekday (we do that on weekends). 🍸

The goal isn’t to turn off thoughts about the past, just to reframe them.

According to the Theory of Narrative Identity, developed by Dr. Dan McAdams, we all form our identity by integrating our life experiences into an internalized and fluid story that gives us purpose.

Your life narrative uses your reconstructed past and perceived present to create your imagined future. So when you change the meaning of your past, you change the narrative of your future.

In other words, your life story is continually evolving based on the experiences you’ve had. Those experiences help shape the way you feel now and how you feel about your future. You can’t hope for a better past. That is chiselled in stone. But the story you tell yourself about your past is one you can change.

As an example, studies have shown that when people are feeling depressed, they don’t notice moments each day when they are feeling good. These people are victims of their past and present which affects their future.

Embracing the Theory of Narrative Identity would mean seeing depression differently. You wouldn’t pretend it doesn’t exist or let any schmuck diminish your challenges. But by becoming mindful and recognizing moments where you felt OK, or even great, you can start to focus on those feelings more.

Here’s what I want you to do…

Oh, look at me. I’m a bossy boy.

I want you to acknowledge the past, the one you wish you could change, the one chiselled in stone. But, instead of wallowing in the pain, look for the positives. This might be harder than a 16-year-old in a lingerie store, but you can do it.

How can you turn your pain into a positive?

For me:

Leukemia was the worst experience of my life… but now I appreciate life so much more and don’t sweat the small stuff.
I missed all of my friends’ 21st birthday parties… but the love they showed that year is a huge reason why they remain my best friends.
I spent hundreds of nights alone in the hospital… but journaling sparked a passion for writing resulting in 43+ million online content views, this awesome email list of sexy people, and a career as a copywriter.

Now it’s your turn.

Think about whatever you’ve gone through and focus on what you’ve gained, not what you’ve lost. It’s up to you to reshape the narrative of your past so you can enjoy the present and future.

What do your challenges say about who you are as a person? What strengths has that person discovered along the way? And what might that person be capable of doing in the future?

Now that’s a story I’d like to see chiselled in stone.

With love,

New World Porter

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