I read a lot of essays on substack and a fair amount of them are great; well written, interesting, illuminating, tender, funny. So when I say that I loved reading this, that it moved me, nudged up against some uncomfortable stuff in me and made me snort laugh into my morning tea, I really mean, I *loved* it. You're a brilliant writer. I'm excited to have stumbled across your stack. You've left me with some really good stuff to think about today and I'm grateful for that, thank you.
The experiences we go through are as unique as we are, but the pain we feel is universal. We've all hurt in some way, and when we understand each other's pain, we begin to heal. From those of us who have gone through those experiences, thank you.
Amen to that, Veronica. Wonderfully said. We're all on the same path, experiencing the same challenges. The journey becomes a little easier when we help each other, not block the way.
Everyone’s worst day is their worst day. No one can imagine truly where you’ve been unless they were lived it themselves. I wish you didn’t have to go through what you went through, but we are all grateful for the stories you craft out of your life experience. This one got me.
It's a blessing, that's for sure. You never forget what the car crash was like, even if you've managed to walk away from it for years. I'll check out Cancer Culture!
I'm almost to the five years mark from when I was first diagnosed with my stage III cancer. The mental aspect of it is the hardest. I try to remind myself that cancer has taken so much from me physically that I shouldn't let it take my mind as well, but it takes a lot to not be angry and bitter. Thanks for your words, it reminds me I can still choose to have empathy for others despite my hardship.
I'm sorry to hear about your challenges, Emmaline! I'd feel the same way you do - I often have - here's to better, brighter days, whatever form they take.
This is a beautiful piece Alexander. So poignant, so true. There is no Olympic games of suffering, and we can never truly know another's experience, even if it looks similar to ours on the surface. An important message, thank you for sharing with such honesty and humility.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your words! I'm touched it resonated and that you took time out of your day to let me know 😊 Here's to healthy days ahead for us all.
Ooof, I felt this one. Thank you for writing so beautifully and wittily about the absolute shitstorm of being a cancer survivor. I do agree that comparative suffering doesn't get anyone anywhere. Having said that, some of the things people say are downright invalidating. The real question is, did you send post this to your bro? ;)
Wonderfully written, Alexander. Empathy is a virtue. Supporting someone's feelings without reminding them that you once went through something worse is how real empathy should be practiced.
Thanks for reminding me to try to be genuinely empathetic when people share their struggles or pain.
Wow, NWP. Totally relate. 6 weeks out from second-side mastectomy and still feeling emotionally numb. My left side starting panicking being so close to more trauma and I felt probably what can best be described as PTSD. Still trying to figure out what to write and how to write so it doesn’t come out sounding like ‘woe is me’ and, ‘aren’t I special’. In other good news, I’ve been swimming three times since surgery and my arm is stiff but functional!!!!!
The impact and degree of suffering is also tied to personality, intelligence, knowledge, mindset, past experience, and belief systems. No one experiences the same misfortune in the same way. For some, a night in the drunk tank is an unbearable humiliation. For others, it's a relief to have a warm place to sleep it off. Great writing, Mr. Porter, as always.
I loved learning that you’ve had issues with door handles bc same 😂
Kidding.
I love that you have found some self compassion AND that you are the wise Sensei of sadness- validating us in our feelings be it due to head colds or cancer…or anything on the docket. 🩶
I intentionally came at it from a different perspective to some previous stuff, and I wasn't sure how it would land, so you've genuinely made me feel so good about it ❤️
Also, I hope your door handle memories are kind to you, haha.
I had ovarian cancer 26 years ago, and, thank the Lord, it was found early. I just mentioned two miracles; found early, and I’m talking about it 26 years later. I went to a conference in the first year for ovarian cancer survivors. One of the breakout group was for those who had a recurrence. I had not experienced that, but went to that session to learn more about it……just in case. The moderator asked each of us about our experiences, and she berated me for even coming to that part of the seminar, as I wasn’t “worthy” to participate. It made me, almost, ashamed for having received a good prognosis! I even had one colleague who asked me, “Why couldn’t my best friend have been healed, instead of you?” It CAN be difficult to be a survivor because of the insensitivity of others, but, also, because I tend to feel guilty and wonder why was I given a second chance? Ironically, 10 years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer; again, found early. The treatments for neither of these cancer episodes was fun, but I am grateful I’m able to share these experiences. I’m grateful you have reconciled your own experiences and feelings.
I'm so happy you found out early (both times) and are still with us, Sharon! I've got no time for moderators who question the validity of your experience, you're an absolute treasure and I'm thankful you're here :)
Thanks for acknowledging those mental monsters. It’s easy to dismiss them because we want to get on to the new version ourselves. Ok, and I can relate to the large family thing - 4 in a room, hand me downs, and the constant comparisons. As always, brilliantly written. Lots of truth among the vomit.
My bestie and I walk almost every day with her little dogs, cos she needs support some days to put one foot in front of the other (MS).
We howl with laughter after we meet someone who has a cold/headache/sore toe and says 'there's nothing worse than...' And then we remind ourselves of all the things that are worse than both the cold etc and her vile progressive, can't be cured MS. It's a long list, containing Gaza, Ukraine, Sudan, Siberia...
Thanks for a fab, balanced read (hope your bro feels better soon 😂)
I love this, Janey! I've no doubt your bestie faces challenges you and I couldn't understand - but to have you and that perspective is a beautiful thing.
Thank you for sharing that and for taking the time to check this piece out 🤗
Late to this essay, Alexander, but none the less appreciative for it. I find it tremendously difficult to write about my own cancer experience without eliciting a well-meaning barrage of 'I'm sorry...'. Your writing here is so nuanced, so about cancer and outside of it at once, not a sympathy in the bunch. I feel connected through our commonalities, and also inspired by your unquestionably unique voice. Thank you. 🧡🧡🧡
Curious though (while a little off-topic), does this even track for you? Have your readers ever been busier to apologize for your experience than to acknowledge the deeper themes/message?
I understand that intimately, Bree. It took me years of shuffling growth - and often frustrating backslides - before I found a place where I could be authentic about my feelings around cancer.
As to your second question, hmmm... I suppose that balance is something only my readers can judge. I get a lot of sympathy and apologies, though none is needed. What's done is done, and I'm more about how we can all move forward rather than remain trapped in the past.
Also, thank you so much for taking the time to write this thoughtful comment!!! I appreciate it and you 😊
I read a lot of essays on substack and a fair amount of them are great; well written, interesting, illuminating, tender, funny. So when I say that I loved reading this, that it moved me, nudged up against some uncomfortable stuff in me and made me snort laugh into my morning tea, I really mean, I *loved* it. You're a brilliant writer. I'm excited to have stumbled across your stack. You've left me with some really good stuff to think about today and I'm grateful for that, thank you.
Lucy, this is the most meaningful feedback I think I've ever received for my writing.
Thank you, sincerely, for your words.
I'd say you made my day, but that would be selling you short.
Thank you for your grace and kindness!
❤️
The experiences we go through are as unique as we are, but the pain we feel is universal. We've all hurt in some way, and when we understand each other's pain, we begin to heal. From those of us who have gone through those experiences, thank you.
Amen to that, Veronica. Wonderfully said. We're all on the same path, experiencing the same challenges. The journey becomes a little easier when we help each other, not block the way.
Everyone’s worst day is their worst day. No one can imagine truly where you’ve been unless they were lived it themselves. I wish you didn’t have to go through what you went through, but we are all grateful for the stories you craft out of your life experience. This one got me.
That's too nice ❤️
Beautiful. It’s also ok to be incredibly grateful/proud for surviving AML. As you know, not many do and the treatment is incredibly brutal.
We would love to have you over on Cancer Culture.
It's a blessing, that's for sure. You never forget what the car crash was like, even if you've managed to walk away from it for years. I'll check out Cancer Culture!
I'm almost to the five years mark from when I was first diagnosed with my stage III cancer. The mental aspect of it is the hardest. I try to remind myself that cancer has taken so much from me physically that I shouldn't let it take my mind as well, but it takes a lot to not be angry and bitter. Thanks for your words, it reminds me I can still choose to have empathy for others despite my hardship.
I'm sorry to hear about your challenges, Emmaline! I'd feel the same way you do - I often have - here's to better, brighter days, whatever form they take.
This is a beautiful piece Alexander. So poignant, so true. There is no Olympic games of suffering, and we can never truly know another's experience, even if it looks similar to ours on the surface. An important message, thank you for sharing with such honesty and humility.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your words! I'm touched it resonated and that you took time out of your day to let me know 😊 Here's to healthy days ahead for us all.
Ooof, I felt this one. Thank you for writing so beautifully and wittily about the absolute shitstorm of being a cancer survivor. I do agree that comparative suffering doesn't get anyone anywhere. Having said that, some of the things people say are downright invalidating. The real question is, did you send post this to your bro? ;)
Haha, none of my family knows my Substack exists. For now, the two worlds are separate, and I kind of like it like that 😅
That’s a great idea, to be honest! :)
Wonderfully written, Alexander. Empathy is a virtue. Supporting someone's feelings without reminding them that you once went through something worse is how real empathy should be practiced.
Thanks for reminding me to try to be genuinely empathetic when people share their struggles or pain.
It's a process for sure, but we're all better off for it. Thanks for checking this one out, brother!!
Wow, NWP. Totally relate. 6 weeks out from second-side mastectomy and still feeling emotionally numb. My left side starting panicking being so close to more trauma and I felt probably what can best be described as PTSD. Still trying to figure out what to write and how to write so it doesn’t come out sounding like ‘woe is me’ and, ‘aren’t I special’. In other good news, I’ve been swimming three times since surgery and my arm is stiff but functional!!!!!
I think you're absolutely allowed to feel like the universe is piling on, Lessly!
Sending all the good vibes and everything to you - and congrats on getting back in the pool!!!
❤️❤️❤️
The impact and degree of suffering is also tied to personality, intelligence, knowledge, mindset, past experience, and belief systems. No one experiences the same misfortune in the same way. For some, a night in the drunk tank is an unbearable humiliation. For others, it's a relief to have a warm place to sleep it off. Great writing, Mr. Porter, as always.
I really like that example!
Thanks for the kind words, Denise. You're a treasure 😊
This one hit different, Porter!
I loved learning that you’ve had issues with door handles bc same 😂
Kidding.
I love that you have found some self compassion AND that you are the wise Sensei of sadness- validating us in our feelings be it due to head colds or cancer…or anything on the docket. 🩶
Thank you so much!!!
I intentionally came at it from a different perspective to some previous stuff, and I wasn't sure how it would land, so you've genuinely made me feel so good about it ❤️
Also, I hope your door handle memories are kind to you, haha.
Omg if anyone says this DOESNT LAND, they are delusional and clearly need help with emotional literacy…
Per door handles & hinges: currently on the waitlist for next lobotomy to have all memories wiped 😂
I had ovarian cancer 26 years ago, and, thank the Lord, it was found early. I just mentioned two miracles; found early, and I’m talking about it 26 years later. I went to a conference in the first year for ovarian cancer survivors. One of the breakout group was for those who had a recurrence. I had not experienced that, but went to that session to learn more about it……just in case. The moderator asked each of us about our experiences, and she berated me for even coming to that part of the seminar, as I wasn’t “worthy” to participate. It made me, almost, ashamed for having received a good prognosis! I even had one colleague who asked me, “Why couldn’t my best friend have been healed, instead of you?” It CAN be difficult to be a survivor because of the insensitivity of others, but, also, because I tend to feel guilty and wonder why was I given a second chance? Ironically, 10 years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer; again, found early. The treatments for neither of these cancer episodes was fun, but I am grateful I’m able to share these experiences. I’m grateful you have reconciled your own experiences and feelings.
I'm so happy you found out early (both times) and are still with us, Sharon! I've got no time for moderators who question the validity of your experience, you're an absolute treasure and I'm thankful you're here :)
*Love this so* So much to unpack. Thank you for opening the door to let us peek into your life.
Thank you for taking the time to say such kind words, Rhaine (also, awesome name).
Thanks for acknowledging those mental monsters. It’s easy to dismiss them because we want to get on to the new version ourselves. Ok, and I can relate to the large family thing - 4 in a room, hand me downs, and the constant comparisons. As always, brilliantly written. Lots of truth among the vomit.
Sometimes those shared rooms were infectious laughter and joy... other times they felt like a prison cell, haha.
Thank you so much for checking this out, I appreciate you so much, Carol!
My bestie and I walk almost every day with her little dogs, cos she needs support some days to put one foot in front of the other (MS).
We howl with laughter after we meet someone who has a cold/headache/sore toe and says 'there's nothing worse than...' And then we remind ourselves of all the things that are worse than both the cold etc and her vile progressive, can't be cured MS. It's a long list, containing Gaza, Ukraine, Sudan, Siberia...
Thanks for a fab, balanced read (hope your bro feels better soon 😂)
I love this, Janey! I've no doubt your bestie faces challenges you and I couldn't understand - but to have you and that perspective is a beautiful thing.
Thank you for sharing that and for taking the time to check this piece out 🤗
Late to this essay, Alexander, but none the less appreciative for it. I find it tremendously difficult to write about my own cancer experience without eliciting a well-meaning barrage of 'I'm sorry...'. Your writing here is so nuanced, so about cancer and outside of it at once, not a sympathy in the bunch. I feel connected through our commonalities, and also inspired by your unquestionably unique voice. Thank you. 🧡🧡🧡
Curious though (while a little off-topic), does this even track for you? Have your readers ever been busier to apologize for your experience than to acknowledge the deeper themes/message?
I understand that intimately, Bree. It took me years of shuffling growth - and often frustrating backslides - before I found a place where I could be authentic about my feelings around cancer.
As to your second question, hmmm... I suppose that balance is something only my readers can judge. I get a lot of sympathy and apologies, though none is needed. What's done is done, and I'm more about how we can all move forward rather than remain trapped in the past.
Also, thank you so much for taking the time to write this thoughtful comment!!! I appreciate it and you 😊
Thanks so much for your noodling on this, Alexander. I’m with you on all of the above.
Your work here is beautiful, your voice and experience so valuable. Yours in friendship!