I Learned Two Things In The Sauna That Will Remove The Friction From Your Life (a.k.a The Leather Man Saga)

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School is a valuable 12 years (possibly longer if you were dropped on your head as a baby and are slow).

That’s almost as long as Tutankhamun’s reign (roughly 10 years).

Tutankhamun was also slow, but wasn’t dropped on his head as a baby. His parents were cousins who loved each other so much that they decided to have kids together (aww ❤️).

I learned that fact in school (which brings this introduction full circle).

But I haven’t learned everything.

This week, I learned TWO new things in the sauna — you’ll laugh at the first lesson and benefit from the second if you’ve ever felt frustrated about how your life is turning out.

Throw on your waterproof Crocs, grab a spare towel, and join me in the steam for some New World Porter.

Image brought to you by Jerry, George and Kramer

Lesson #1 - People Get Their D*cks Out In The Sauna

Did you know this?!

Sauna etiquette never came up in school.

I learned to butcher play ‘Three Blind Mice’ on the recorder. I dissected a flower like the plant version of Dexter. I learned to sing Happy Birthday in Indonesian. Clearly, the school had run out of useful lessons and was giving us whatever was left.

But sauna nudity hadn’t crossed my path.

Let me tell you, that was a shock to the system.

It’s like thinking Santa is real your whole life, then learning it’s all been a lie. Only, it’s not your father who tells you over a nice bowl of cornflakes. Instead, the life lesson is delivered by a leathery-skinned old man with exceptionally and unnaturally long balls.

You go through your whole life thinking one thing and *BOOM*.

Penis.

Let me set the scene:

I’m sitting in a sauna (I should write plays with descriptive language like that).

The place is steamier than a steam train (*Note to Alexander… do better). Long before I could panic about what would happen if I got trapped inside (Final Destination style), I was joined by a flamboyant older man; the human equivalent of a baseball glove.

By that, I mean he was leathery, wrinkled, and probably had another man’s fist inside him at one point.

Understanding the social rules of the sauna, I gave him one of those quick nods that said, ‘Let’s sit in total and uncomfortable silence’ as he took a spot on the bench above me.

At this point, I’m doing what I thought everyone did in the sauna—wearing my Spongebob swimming shorts. I bought them on special for a joke, but I worry they make me look a bit special instead.

‘Leather Man’ didn’t have the same problem.

Pulling his towel away from his body in one swift movement, he taught me that other men don’t wear idiotic swimming shorts in the sauna. No, no, no.

THEY DON’T WEAR SHORTS AT ALL.

I didn’t know where to look.

When I was little, my mum told me I should never avoid looking at people with disabilities because that sends the message they are different. That’s hurtful and rude. Instead, you look directly at them, smile, and acknowledge their humanity.

Was I meant to do the same now? Was I meant to look directly at his penis? Should I smile at it? Would that acknowledge his humanity?

It was awkward at first (being in there with him, I mean. I opted not to grin at the thing), but it stopped being weird after a minute or two.

Objectification and sexualisation of bodies — especially women — have negative effects on well-being and even increased violence.

This sauna experience wasn’t connected to those outcomes, but it was still a welcome reminder that we’re all humans at the end of the day (even ‘Leather Man’, despite what his skin colour, tone and texture would have you believe).

And on this day, in this sauna, we were both just trying to enjoy a good sweat.

End of story?

Not quite…

This artist should not be called an artist

There Was Another Lesson Waiting for Me…

If you’ve read this far (and I don’t blame you if you haven’t, sometimes I wonder what the f*ck I’m doing here, too), you might be wondering what my second sauna lesson was.

Before I get to that second lesson, let’s go back to school…

One of my favourite classes back in my formal education days was PDHPE.

Personal Development, Health & Physical Education.

My favourite activity was when we went outside to play sports because it was a chance to hurl an old dodgeball at the side of someone’s head at 85 km/hour. And, when we weren’t playing in the Thunder Dome, we’d put our dodgeball-imprinted heads down and try to learn a thing or two in class.

At one point, the male PDHPE teacher showed us how to put a condom on a banana. 🍌

Everyone giggled at the time and looking back, I can see why. I haven’t put a condom on a single banana as a sexually active adult. Not one. Totally pointless lesson.

With bananas sheathed and protected against STIs, we learned about contrast therapy’s benefits. In contrast therapy, you go from a hot temperature to a cold temperature—like a sauna to a pool.

Alternating between two contrasting temperatures (hey, that’s probably where the name comes from!) can increase circulation, boost immunity, and support muscle repair. There are a bunch (hey, that’s *almost* a banana call back) of benefits to going from the sauna to the pool and I was ready to experience ‘em.

So, I left the sauna for a refreshing dip in the pool before going BACK to the sauna for some more sweaty goodness.

By now, I’d broken through the awkward nudity stage and figured I might even nod at his little head after nodding at his big one. It’s not quite bringing peace to the Middle East, but it’s still an act of humanity.

Even Nobel Peace Prize winners start somewhere (though probably not at full-frontal male nudity).

And, since I’d now learned sauna etiquette, I thought, ‘Fuck it’, I’ll go naked too.

Pulling open the sauna door with a sense of confidence, I pushed through the sticky heat and let my towel drop to reveal my little big fella in all his glory.

Unfortunately, ‘Leather Man’ was gone.

But I wasn’t alone…

Instead, there was a new bloke in there with me. He would have been in his early twenties, maybe younger. Sitting where I had been previously. Staring right at me.

And as he sat there, wearing a pair of swimming shorts, I could tell from the look of panic on his face that he was learning for the first time that people get their dicks out in the sauna.

So, the student becomes the master. Now I am become Death Leather Man, destroyer of worlds, exposer of genitals.

Well played, universe.

Well played. 👏

CCTV footage from the local sauna

Lesson #2 - The best way to do anything is the one that works best for you

Penis-Gate, as I have come to call it to near-universal revulsion, taught me a powerful lesson.

The best way to do anything is the way that works best for you.

I could have researched saunas and discovered that sauna etiquette differs worldwide. In some countries, wearing swimwear is considered rude (they’d probably film a ‘Leather Man’ origins story in one of these nations). Other countries, like Australia, allow for flexible attire.

Image would have come in handy before a trip to the sauna

Instead, I learned through real-world experience. It took me facing a trouser snake and then scaring some poor soul with the same thing to understand sauna etiquette.

Neither approach was right or wrong. The destination was the same; only the path differed based on the best way I learned things.

This applies to Penis-Gate but also to every area of my life and yours.

Don’t let everyone else’s opinion drown out your own

Whatever you pursue in life, you’ll be told there’s a superior, faster or more optimised way of doing it.

And when your progress is slower than you’d like, it’s easy to wonder if everyone else is right and you’re wrong.

• Maybe you’ve started a business that hasn’t taken off (even though you already changed your LinkedIn profile to ‘Entrepreneur’.)

• You might want to settle down and find someone who likes to look at you naked but you haven’t clicked with anyone yet.

• Or, you’re simply ready to be the BEST version of yourself but change feels glacial and frustratingly slow.

Whatever the finish line looks like in your sexy head, just know there’s no “best” way to get where you’re going, only the best way for you.

The path to all the cool shit in life will look different for every person. It’s OK to look at others and learn from their experience, but don’t let someone else’s finished highway make you feel bad about breaking ground and placing your first brick.

If you want to learn from someone else’s experience, that’s awesome. When you see people as a community instead of competition, there’s an untapped reserve of new ideas and inspiration.

But if you’re sick of being told the way you do something is wrong, this is your reminder that it’s not. Life isn’t about making the “right” or “wrong” choices - it’s about making the best choices for you.

Like Mark Manson says:

“Approach life advice not like immutable laws but rather like trying on clothes. Some advice will fit you well and flatter you. Other advice will not. Advice that may work great on one person may work terribly on the next. Pick and choose your advice to suit your personality and the occasion. Feel free to discard old advice any time it stops working for you.”

That’s not bad (says the guy with a few hundred email subscribers to the #1 New York Times bestselling author) but let’s make it a little sweatier.

Approach life like a sauna.

Sometimes you’ll see ‘Leather Man’ and receive lessons. Other times you’ll be ‘Leather Man’ and hand out lessons. There’s no right or wrong person to be in the sauna just as there’s no right or wrong person to be in life.

It’s all about finding what works best for you so you can be the best version of yourself.

Whether we cross paths in the sauna or not, I’m excited to see what that person is capable of.

With love,

New World Porter

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