The News Is More Depressing Than a Bag of Chemo (I'd Know ☠️) And This Is How It Ends

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Hands up if the news feels like an endless ‘What The F*ck Is Going On?” cycle. 🙋

Ah, shit, I can’t see through the screen.

I’m assuming your hand shot up so fast that your shoulder slipped from its socket and you’re biting down on a pencil to read this before heading to the ER (your loyalty inspires me).

I’m with you. That’s why I have a bunch of meditation and relaxation apps on my phone that I don’t use. It’s the thought that counts though and odds are you think life is a little (or a lot) crazy right now, too.

My mental gymnastics is to think, “At least I don’t have chemo,” and things don’t look so bad by comparison. Admittedly, this method is not universally applicable and doesn’t work if you haven’t had cancer treatment.

It’s like a very tall person telling you the secret to a happy life is to dunk a basketball. Or a very rich person telling you the secret to happiness is to have a lot of money.

These are not useful strategies, but I’ve got some ideas you can bounce around your head while you wait for your reconstructive shoulder surgery.

Hmmm, what’s that up ahead?

There’s a US civil war election on the horizon that’ll probably split that country like a lumberjack with anger management problems. The Middle East is Middle Easting. And that Chimp Crazy documentary on HBO made me feel guilty about every monkey I’ve waved at in zoos.

If you’re like me, you might fall back on the past when the present feels too suffocatingly horrific. Simpler times, better days — that type of nostalgia.

The past often feels safe when life is stressful, challenging, or uncertain because it’s a picture that can’t be changed; you can only look at it. The past is immovable, immune to the random chaos of the present, and there’s comfort in that.

The present is more like being trapped in an Escape Room, except the clues don’t make sense, you’re stuck with people you don’t like, and the only way out is death.

Sure, it’s easy to fantasise about slipping on a banana peel into a wormhole, but the same stress and uncertainty would probably find you wherever you landed (plus you’d have squished banana on your shoe).

You might think life was simpler in the distant past. I say the speed at which you would be burned at the stake would surprise you.

You should have watched out for that rogue banana

How would medieval folk, slogging through pig filth and desperately scrabbling for potatoes in the dirt, react to your new Adidas shoes?

“These have exceptional arch support!” you might scream.

“I bought them online during a Black Thursday cyber sale”.

Medieval peasants weren’t swayed by smooth synthetic rubber exteriors or bouncy soles that felt like walking on a cloud. Those peasants don’t have time to browse the internet for sweet deals on even sweeter shoes. They’d have to wait 498 years for the internet to even be invented!

And you think they’d start by browsing for shoes?!

Unlikely.

They’d look for potato recipes, cures for the Black Death, and spoilers for the next House of the Dragon season.

You could try and outrun them. And in your flashy kicks, you might outstrip them and escape into a nearby section of woods. But what then?!

You don’t have any skills.

Can you build a four-story condo with beachside views and a shared space for entertaining? Not likely. You’d never be able to secure the materials, let alone the permits.

You’d seem like a witch, and no one would listen to your reasoning except to briefly ask if you’d like to be cooked medium or medium-well on the stake.

The only logical outcome would be to march back to town and apologise for scaring everyone. Best-case scenario, you avoid a firey death and are crowned the new Village Idiot. 👑

There’s nothing for you in the past. Now be a good time traveller and tumble forward through time to the present day like a rolled-up ball of socks in the dryer.

That brings us (back) to 2024

Shootings, climate disasters, people throwing things at that cute baby pygmy hippo in Thailand to get its attention.

The news is a landscape littered with emotional landmines.

Moo Deng is my spirit animal

With so many horrible things happening, a lot of people end up letting the news consume them or reject what’s happening altogether.

Neither of these is great for you in the long run.

The first path leaves you emotionally exposed. Every horrible event feels like it’s happening to you, in a way. Too much empathy becomes an anchor, not an outlet, and you can drown under the weight of the world’s pain — even though it does feel nice to care.

The second path isn’t much better.

Ignoring what’s happening helps insulate you against the coldness of the world. But walking around in a winter jacket only keeps you warm; others still freeze. You’ll always be fighting to drown out the noise of what’s happening, and there’s something inhumane about not recognising other people’s humanity.

If you’re here for help choosing the right path… oh boy, you’re in the wrong place. I’m a cancer survivor with a bunch of tattoos and a nurse fetish, not a life coach.

This isn’t an invitation to do anything — just a reminder.

A reminder that despite the barrage of stressful shit in the world, you’ll be OK.

I don’t say that condescendingly or to blow smoke up your ass. I say it as someone who’s been in the trenches with seven months of chemotherapy ahead and wondered how he’d possibly come out the other side.

Getting through chemo required nuance. I found a sweet spot between learning everything about the drugs being used to attack my leukemia and pretending nothing was happening at all.

Knowing too much risked overwhelming me and adding unnecessary fear. Knowing nothing risked leaving me in the dark and battling unnecessary uncertainty.

A cancer ward will teach you real quick that there’s such a thing as too much information.

Life works the same way.

Being an informed global citizen is great. You can’t be part of a conversation if you’re not listening. But at a certain point, the stress of taking on the world’s problems outweighs the benefits of being emotionally present for everything.

It’s OK to be informed without being immersed.

There’s a sweet spot to be found. It helped me get through chemo. It’ll help you in life, too.

And if the weight of the world is still bashing you over the head, know that you’ll get through whatever tough times you face because you’ve always got through them. No one knows what comes next, which is scary, but life has always been that way.

That isn’t an excuse to do nothing — your decision to engage with the world's challenges is deeply personal. But it is a reminder that you’ll get through whatever challenges feel most suffocating because you always do. You always have. And you always will.

Lastly…

If it all feels too much, remember that hands were meant to be held.

(Not all of them, obviously.)

You shouldn’t go around holding hands at the local preschool if you’re an adult. Parents and educators frown on that behaviour, and frankly, I’m with them.

But don’t be afraid to reach out when everything feels too much. The world can feel more depressing than a bag of chemo and still be a source of comfort and joy — both are true.

Now channel your inner Moo Deng, the pygmy hippo from Thailand, and enjoy a bath and a snack. You deserve it.

With love,

New World Porter

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