Want a Better Life? Stop Doing These 5 Dumb Things Immediately

Admit it, you've been waiting for advice from a stranger online.

My battle with leukemia wasn’t so much a fight as it was me cowering in bed while cancer rained blows on me like a world champion boxer beating a home invader.

After 244 days, we called it a draw. Cancer left me alone. I left the hospital with crippling health anxiety and a problematic nurse fetish (which almost feels like a win).

Fast forward and my experience as a survivor has filled my mind with wisdom like a drug mule fills their anus with heroin-packed condoms.

Gather around, suckle at the teat of my mind (eww) and go forth with five things that aren’t adding value to your life.

#1 - Stop living your life to other people’s expectations

As a kid, I was expected to have a glass of milk with dinner every night.

Milk + pasta. Milk + chicken. Milk + fish. Milk + you get the idea.

After moving out, the milk dried up. I haven’t touched milk in years. Decades, even. The thought of drinking plain milk sends chills up my spine. It’s odd and unsettling. The type of thing an unhinged loner does before flashing his genitals on the subway.

This example is uber-specific (with an undercurrent of hatred towards the dairy industry). I’m passionate about pasteurisation because it’s an example of how you can walk your own path.

I’m not saying milk isn’t good for you. It is. There’s a reason emergency wards aren’t crowded with snapped femurs. It’s better to drink milk with your meal than beer (probably, I’m not a nutritionist). The point I’m making is that your life becomes meaningful when you exercise autonomy.

People much smarter than me (low bar) have discovered that creating and experiencing autonomy may be the most important ingredient influencing day-to-day happiness.

Maybe you’re sick of drinking milk. Maybe you feel like a product of your family’s expectations. Or, your frustration with other people’s view of you lands somewhere in between.

It’s normal for your character to be shaped by your upbringing and it’s OK to carry beliefs and values from your past. But don’t let someone else take the steering wheel in your life.

To piggyback on the study above, autonomy is shown to be a significant predictor of meaningfulness, positive affect, and mood. The science is in; being true to yourself feels good as f*ck.

Even if that means you start drinking milk for the first time in years.

#2 - Stop asking the bartender for drink recommendations

If you’re someone who likes to know what the bartender thinks, this might feel like a personal attack… and it is.

Bartenders don’t want to guide you like you’re learning the ways of the Force. They’re more like Yoda, hiding in a cave, hoping to be left alone. I know because I was a bartender for nine lower back pain-filled years.

If you asked me what to drink, I’d upsell you. Not because I cared about the bar’s bottom line (my chronic theft of soft drinks and snacks is proof of that), but because I resented being asked.

99% of the time, bartenders don’t know shit, anyway. If you ask for a wine recommendation, you’ll get a glass that’s not so expensive you’ll be shocked and not so cheap you’ll think you’ve been mistakenly served rat poison.

Congratulations!!! You’re the victim of a hospitality pick-pocketing. 🎉

Oh, you’d like to see the cocktail menu? Sure. Take ten steps backwards, continue right out the door, and then a running jump through a wormhole into a universe where I bothered to pay attention during mandatory 45-minute “cocktail training” six years ago.

I’m 84% sure there is tequila in a margarita and 100% sure I’ll creep on my ex’s Instagram if I drink one. It’s not worth it (for anyone in that hypothetical).

Don’t let a bartender with prison tattoos and a half-written novel (OK, attacking myself now, rude) decide how you’ll spend your cash.

Either choose something you love or trust your gut and choose something new. You’ll avoid a drink based on someone else’s tastes and probably keep more money in your pocket.

#3 - Stop arguing with people in online comment sections

Arguing with people in online comment sections is like eating a banana with the skin on. It’s not illegal, but it should be.

Look, we’ve all been there. You shared an opinion. It felt harmless, and then BOOM, you’re knee-deep in a comment thread full of people using multi-syllable words they’d never use in real life (“That’s an egregious assertion and a perfidious assault”).

The harsh truth is that most people don’t want to enter a discussion online. They want to be right (that isn’t up for discussion; I’m right).

Stop me if this scenario feels jaw-grindingly familiar:

YOU: I enjoyed the new Planet of The Apes trailer. I like how the apes learn to ride horses because it’s a convenient way to travel long distances without a car.

RANDOM ASSHOLE ONLINE: Umm actually… 35% of horses don’t like being ridden. Do you know how much a full-grown ape weighs? That’s harmful to horse lumbar vertebra. You should really show some empathy to horses.

“Umm actually…”

That’s your early warning signal.

“Umm actually…” (or any variation) is a sign you’re about to have your viewpoint twisted like a double-jointed circus freak playing a game of Twister. It’s the doorway to the worst conversation of your life—and I’m speaking as someone who’s had some bad conversations like:

• Chatting with the male nurse during my testicular exam in hospital which was the first time anyone had ever touched my balls.

• Explaining to my parents why I stumbled into their bedroom at 2am and pissed on the full-length mirror next to my Mum’s head (I was drunker than mid-2000s Lindsay Lohan).

• Telling my friends that the “girlfriend” I’d been speaking to for the last 7 months was a catfisher who may have been a man and now had several dozen of my d*ck pics.

That doesn’t mean you should never engage with people online.

The meaningful (and necessary) form of engagement is to challenge flawed ideas. If someone tells you that herbal remedies can cure cancer, you’re entitled to call them out for their wrong and dangerous views.

But if someone wants to draw you into an argument about the best herbal remedies to accompany a roast chicken, avoid the hassle.

According to one survey, only 4.6% of people claim to be “not at all” emotionally involved in their online arguments. And just 1.6% of people felt pride in their actions.

• 35.8% of people felt stressed

• 24% of people became anxious

• 12.6% of people felt depressed

Further studies suggest ranting or venting your anger online doesn’t even reduce those feelings—it intensifies them.

If you get caught up in online drama, try stepping back for a week and see how you feel. Make 2024 the year you say “YES” to healthy debate and an open mind and a big “GET F*CKED” to arguments that have a detrimental effect on your mental health.

If in doubt, pull out (of the argument).

“You think tarragon elevates the chicken but you don’t understand that the anise flavour ruins it!”

#4 - Stop worrying about what others think of your “new thing”

This isn’t one of those “don’t worry what other people think of you” lessons.

You’re human (or passing convincingly as one). An area in your brain associated with reward is more active when others agree with and reinforce your opinions.

It’s hard to turn off the desire to fit in when your brain is, ya know, hardwired to want to fit in. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the fear that comes from doing a “new thing”.

Maybe you want to dye your hair pink. Or get a massive tattoo of the singer Pink. I don’t know how deep your desire to do pink-related things runs. Whatever your new path, I can guarantee one thing—some people will not like it.

Case in point… I still have people scoff at the way I write about my post-cancer life.

Before I was diagnosed, I was a shy, ultra-timid 20-year-old virgin who felt uncomfortable watching a sex scene in a movie. Long after my diagnosis, I celebrated ten years of remission with a threesome. That sounds like a humble brag, but it just meant I disappointed two women instead of one.

For some people who knew pre-cancer Alexander, this post-cancer Alexander probably comes across as a phoney. In their minds, I’m still the shy kid I once was.

When you start down a new path, there will be people in your life who refuse to accept or support you. This is because they don’t want the best for you. They want the best for their own mind and whatever image they have of you is something they need to maintain.

If you change, they may be forced to confront a feeling they don’t like. Maybe they’re jealous of you. Maybe your progress reminds them of how they haven’t moved at all. There is a bazillion (maybe fewer) reasons why people—sometimes your friends—will transform into energy vampires.

They’ll try to suck the joy and enthusiasm out of your “new thing” to make sure you stay where you are in life and in their mind.

Don’t let ‘em.

That “thing” you’ve been thinking of doing is going to be awesome. Block out the outside voices and become who you want to be, no matter what others think.

#5 - Stop reading listicles about ways to unf*ck your life

This one is so meta that we risk tumbling into a paradox and turning into existential spaghetti (or another type of pasta, if you prefer).

I’m just letting you know my advice is free, and that’s pretty much what it’s worth.

Deep down, you already know what areas of your life need a little work. Be open to new ideas and test them like a sexy mad scientist to see what works for you.

If my experience as a milk-hating cancer survivor helps give you some motivation or ideas, that’s awesome.

But I’d rather this be your reminder that five minutes spent taking action is better than five hours of empty theory.

Make small changes. Notice how they make you feel. Give yourself a pat on the bum (the back is overrated). Repeat. You’ve got this.

With love,

New World Porter

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